How Long They Choose To Love You Will Never Be Your Decision

Let your guard down they say. Let’s be vulnerable together they say. Fall in love with me, I will catch you they proclaimed. Let’s make this last forever they exclaimed.

Don’t we wish life was that easy?

When you see them you light up, butterflies in the stomach, giggling like a well fed baby and all of a sudden you develop a stutter. Yep that’s your common sense leaving your being.

Congratulations, you’re in love.

Congratulations!!

You’re so attracted to them that seeing them becomes the best part of your day. You smile like a Cheshire cat and all of a sudden because of them your days become brighter and life is good.

You’re happy.

32s On Fleek

One day your days become a nightmare and nights become longer. Your bright and cheerful world becomes this dimly-lit hell hole. You find it hard to believe, harder to smile and even harder breathe. Things are not the same.

You start wondering….

What happened to happily ever after? What happen to I’ll catch you when you fall? And whatever happened to let’s make this last forever?

Every day becomes a struggle. Appetite is gone. The will to live vanishes right before your eyes and all of a sudden nothing else matters.

So many unanswered questions.

Why wasn’t I enough? Wasn’t I good enough? Were you even mine to begin with? What am I supposed to do when our song comes on? Combating those feelings will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

What am i Supposed To Do When Our Song Comes On?

All the sweet nothings that they used to whisper in your ears don’t make sense anymore. You try replaying them in your head and try figuring out where things went wrong. Whenever you do a clearing out, there’s always a reminder of what you used to share...silly notes of dreams that turned into a nightmare overnight.

You cry your eye balls out. No phone calls and no contact with the outside world as you go through pile and piles of tissues.

You can’t even tell your friends because you’re ashamed, you can’t tell your parents because they had high hopes for you too. Heck you can’t even convince yourself that the one person you thought belonged to you, the one person you chose to love, the one person you chose to be vulnerable with, the one person you thought was your forever is gone.

Then it hits you…

It hits you hard that life is a series of unplanned events, a ball of obstacles, a chaotic mess and a merry go round of shit and giggles.

You start realising that how long they chose to love you will never be your decision. When they choose to leave there’s nothing you can do to change that.

I stopped believing in forevers!

You start to realise that the forever people so often talk about is nothing if the moments are not cherished. The forever is somewhere we don’t often make, so I often tell people. Enjoy the moments because if all else fails, you might not have reached a forever but you’ve experienced what True love is. And even if it wasn’t true, once upon a time in a happy place, you’ve experienced love.

And that is something everyone must experience.

One True Love Experience Outweighs
 a Thousand Promised Forevers.

You now know that love is more than a feeling, it a decision you make every day, and people change all the time. Nothing is constant, even that I LOVE YOU that they so often whisper in your ears can falter with time.

What’s your assurance?

You learn that someone else’s love is not yours to own. Therefore it is never yours to lose. It is yours for that time, for that moment, for that period. So experience it and enjoy it when it’s around.

People love and lost all the time and when that love is over, when that love is not enough anymore, when that love no longer serves as your happy place you can’t hold them as prisoners.

Let it go.

You run into them in the mall, living life like nothing happened while you have to struggle to get out of bed every day. To give the world the sunshine. To pretend like everything is ok. And to find the strength to go through each passing day. Now that is true strength.

I applaud you.

You’re forced to see them in public living their lives, hugging, laughing and giggling with their new love. Holding hands and doing all the things you both used to do. Now that kills you each time. And you can’t help but wonder if they ever cared at all.

No one understands the magnitude of pain.

Living Life Like Its Golden...

You log on Facebook and they’re all you see. Plastering pictures everywhere. Happy couple. All smiles. And in your alone moment you’re wondering why me? Is he going to do the same thing to her? Will she be the one? What about all the things he said to me? What happened to the forevers I was promised? What ever happened to the sparkle in her eyes that used to come alive each time we spoke?

It’s gone.

It Was Never Yours To Own!

And accepting that is a daily battle. A daily struggle. Sometimes you’ll have to fight a little harder to make it through the day. But no one knows that.

Seeing the person you love, love someone else is the greatest pain of all time. You can’t explain it but it stings. My god it stings!

But…

Lost love teaches you to be a better human. You can only understand the pain of loss when you’ve had sleepless nights, soaking tear-wet pillows, and that gut wrenching feeling like your heart’s been ripped from your chest. And that is an awful awful feeling. That is pain. That is raw pain.

That Gut -Wrenching Feeling

That awful feeling and excruciating pain teaches you a lot.

It teaches you to be strong.

It teaches you that forever is merely a safe word. Forever is just that…a forever. And it’s nothing more than a promised place.

It helps you to realise your strength and capabilities. In such an awful unguarded moment, you learn that you are enough. You learn that the love of another does not relieve you off the duty of loving yourself.

You treat people with caution and respect and regards because you know what it feels like to be hurt, to be in a dark place, to cry all night with no one to wipe your tears. To hear your own scared quivering voice at night when all the lights are out.

When the only light you see at that time is the moon through the cracks of your window curtain.

It teaches you to never hang on to the theory of one day or the promise of forever but rather seizing each moment because even if it ends one day, you weren’t waiting around for a promised forever, nor were you striking down the calendar for days mounting up to that one day. You’ll be sad its ended, you’ll be gutted but not as much as you would be if all you shared was a promised forever and series of one day.

A Little but Great Infinity

A lost love teaches you the art of being a moment grabber and that I have learnt is a beautiful thing. You take each moment and make it beautiful. You learn the hard fact that life is too short and too long for unhappiness.

You learn that you do not have to break your bones to fit into someone’s idea of love. You understand that your type of love is not for everyone.

And when you will decide to give love another try, you will understand the essence of being present in every moment.

Relationships Sometimes Can Be a Challenge
 But It Should Never Be A Struggle.

And it will be clear that the heart as little as it is holds a significant amount of strength as it goes through heartbreak after heartbreak but never loses the power to feel…..and eventually love again.

You will be guarded. You will be scared. You’ll be unsure.  And if they’re worth your time, they will understand this. They will unbox you carefully, with love and care. They will love the dustiest part of your soul with all understanding and they will give you time to heal…heal on your own terms.

You are happy and at peace with the confirmation that the heart that’s meant to love you, will love you and they won’t have to break a bone.

Through all of this the important and unwavering lesson remain. The lesson to love without attachment. To understand that all could be gone in a day. To never etch your whole experience in one day.

You do not have to promise me a happily ever after. You do not have to promise me a forever. Heck, don’t sell me dreams.

I am content. I am content with this moment.

For the journey, endeavour to always be present, present in the moment. 

Because once upon a lonely night sky, a lost love taught me to love what I have while I have it.

Till next time

XoXo

The Foolish Things i Ever Hoped For

The most foolish things I ever hoped for.

Sadly so...Oh The Irony

The daily messages and spontaneous emails. The compliments that make your melanin flush and your white pearls come out to play, the letters sent and delivered by my ever reliable post man, the unplanned visits and pleasant surprises.

These were the foolish things I hoped for.

To trot and conquer the world with you, to visit our favourites place and make some sweet memories. The poems and riddles, the well written articles full of life and excitement, and how can I forget the brilliant brain hacks.

 

We will experience multiple sunsets in
different continents.
i Hoped

The excitement of waking up to you, the whisper of sweet nothings in my ear and the tight but yet calming and reassuring hugs to say everything is going to be okay. The heart-warming smiles that’ll put my soul at ease and the outburst of boisterous laughter that will forever echo in my ear when you’re not around.

The Whispers Of Sweet Nothings

These were the foolish things I hoped for.

A day that you’ll hang your fears and doubts and fully commit, totally, absolutely and completely. You’ll commit fully even though you know there are no going backs. We’ll do it together because there is nothing to fear. And with that we’ll have something divine and sacred to look forward to, a union that’s just perfect, as flawed as it might be.

I guess that was just a wandering mind hoping foolishly.

Me running back home from work just to see your face, and you rushing back to a home that smells of my freshly baked bread and smoothie recipes that I’ve carefully selected from YouTube. The look on your face when you’ll taste the not-so-nice ones but you’ll smile anyway because you love me like that!

The Homely Smell Of Freshly Baked  Bread...

To wake up at 2am and chat the rest of the night away. we’ll talk about nothing and everything with a glass of gin and lime, other nights we’ll laugh about everything and anything and 2 hot cuppas will do just fine while sitting on our kitchen counter, Listening to the pitta patter of the raindrops on our window.

2am Secrets And Confessions

Of All The Things I Ever Hoped For.. 

All I hoped for was to go to bed and calmly and peacefully lie in your arms, basking in the melody of silence that will never feel awkward. We will listen to our heartbeats and create happy thoughts...purely happy thoughts will flood our minds till we fall asleep.

Those were the foolish things I hoped for.

With the widest smile, I’ll watch our kids run in the backyard chasing fireflies and running in endless circles while the dog chase after them foolishly. Foolishly like the things I hoped for.

Playful and Happy Kids
- Of All The Foolish Things I Ever Hoped For

On the smallest couch they will jump on you and scream and shout just to fight for a place on the couch with daddy. And you wouldn’t mind because that is just what happiness is.

As you drop them to school each morning I’ll plaster a wet kiss on your cheek and that is just to say I appreciate you and I love you and a promise from me to you that, the best of our days, are yet to come. But more importantly that I can’t wait for you to get back to me.

But oh… these were only the foolish things I hoped for.

To build instead of conquer. To be happy instead of win. To love and love some more. To give more than I received. To be present in all we do and cherish every single moment, because moments are all we’ll have left when all is said and done.

To Build and Nurture...

To look you in the face and say yes I made the right choice. And to never be afraid.

I hoped to look you in the face and ask God

‘’How did I get so lucky?’’

But I guess it was another, just another foolish thing I hoped for

I foolishly hoped for you to be my safe haven, my safety net, where I turn for inspiration and other times, just your reassuring words that it’ll be okay. I wanted you to be my rainbow on a bad day, my happy place on a not-to-so-happy day, my melody when I can’t remember the lyrics.

A Safe Haven

For laughter that never gets old, for meaningless smiles that can change your day, for moments that’ll live forever, for good nights that turns into even greater mornings, for unforgettable times and unpredictable kisses, for all the spontaneous just because – I hoped and hoped.

For Laughter That Never Gets Old

The foolish things I hoped for.

I hoped for you to wake up to my ruffled afro and sleep stained face with the sun streaming on my melanin through the curtain lines. And I prayed for you to never get tired of this look but to always serve as a reminder that as flawed as something can be, you can still find perfection and beauty.

I hoped to be your go-to thought, a thought that will give you an outburst of laughter in a crowded room and a smile in the middle of your business meeting.

All I have ever hoped for was to keep you vibrating on high all day, an endless supply of energy that you can never get enough of.

But what do I know…. These were just foolish thoughts.

I had hoped to create a life with you where I’ll never forget to play and to always remember that it’s never about winning.  I hoped to build a life with you that is never set to anyone’s rules nor standard. A life full of randomness.

To Remember It's Never About winning

I had wished upon a star and hoped to understand that everything do not have to make sense as long as we’re happy.

These were amongst the most foolish thing I ever hoped for in my entire lifetime.

But as if you were dreaming, you wake up suddenly and all what you've ever believed is but nothing. 

All i could gather is, it was all and nothing at the same time

Once upon a time in a happy place…

I hoped and hoped but behold all I was doing was foolishly hoping.  

If I ever dared to hope again…please wake me up.

Remind me to Never Hope Again!

Remind me not to ever hope again…at least not foolishly!

Till next time...

Xoxo 

I Dare You...

I dare you to send that text first and not play the hide and seek behind the keyboard, to let yourself be vulnerable and be human. To not be afraid to translate your feelings into words and actions.

I Dare you...

I challenge you to tell me exactly how you’re feeling, good or bad, in love or out of love. I challenge you to always endeavour to let me know!

I want you to make that phone call when you want to speak to me, trash the pride and ego and tell me how bad you were aching to talk to me…how bad you want to see me.

And I want to see you be a man, in the midst of your boys, no fronting. Have the guts to show me off…even when your boys think you’re whipped. Hold my bag when my hands are full, carry my shoes when I can no longer carry myself on my heels after a long night out.

I dare you to not string me along when I no longer give you butterflies or make your heart smile.

When I’m no longer a source of inspiration and happiness, I want you to turn the lights off but first I dare you to let me know.

When i'm No Longer A Source Of  Happiness....
Please Let Me Know

Against the odds, I want you to stand up for me, when people say I’m no good for you, when the crowd wails that you’re too good for me, when the hearsay gets too much and when the noise of the market tries to overcome what we have, I want you to be a rock for me.

Be a shoulder to cry on, a solace where I can channel my inner cry baby and not be ashamed. A place where I just know everything is going to be okay…eventually.

I challenge you to never keep me around for convenience. When you feel your heart beats for me only out of pity, I implore you to blow the candle out.

I want you to be my vault, the one I can tell my darkest twisted secrets. I dare you to be my place of no judgement. Someone I can tell about my most embarrassing moments and the fall I had on the staircase when no one was watching. The time I pronounced a word wrongly in public and that time my bank card got declined with a queue of people behind me. Oh the horror!

When other temptations are flaunted at you, I dare you to say no. To display a true strength of character and integrity and maturity - to let the world know that what you already have is enough!

But when I’m no longer enough for you, when your heart is full and exhausted and can no longer go on… I dare you to let me know.

I dare you to be my goofy funny and silly best mate. Laugh with me and laugh at me. Let’s do it uncontrollably till our belly ache. Laugh at my stupid jokes and be stupid with me. Whenever I feel like taking myself too seriously, remind me how stupid I look.

Can We Make Laughing Our Tradition?

Promise me that we will never forget to laugh.

But when I step out of line, I dare you to put me back in line. When I act out of character have the balls to tell me where I went wrong, not with any resentment but in love.

When the going gets tough, and the tough gets going, pray with me and pray for me. Remind me of God’s love when I don’t feel too loved, when I feel like calling quits, remind me why I started in the first place.

I know it’s not always going to be all stars and giggles but remind me to smile when troubles try to tie a knot in my soul. When the storm comes to play, remind me and never forget to tell me that no storm can take the sunshine away.

I challenge you to have confidence in what we share, that no matter what happens in the future we will know that what we had was real and true.

If we go a day without talking, I want you to remember the good times. The days that brought so much laughter and happiness and I want you to use that memory to put a smile on your face.

Some nights, I’ll be human and fart in my sleep. Can we laugh about it in the morning?

I know there are going to be days when you’ll hate me but …..Love me, love me even when you hate me. Love me even when I am hard to love. Love me even when I am unbearable and a handful.

Love Me...Even When You Hate Me

We are going to disagree but let’s never forget to be respectful and considerate to each other. We are going to be angry with each other but promise me we will fight through it with love.

And never make me look stupid.

Let’s not forget the bad days are there to make us appreciate the good days more. Sometimes the only way up is down and we must never forget this.

Sometimes I might just need a tight hug and a warm cuddle, be my baby pooh bear and hold me tight and assure me of your love for me because no matter how independent and sure I always look, there are going to be days when I’ll need you. Be there… I dare you.

I’ll miss my steps and stumble, other days I might fall, be there to pick me up and cure my bruises. I’ll be crushed and not fit for anything on some days, I challenge you to be my ace.

 I dare you…I challenge you!

Happy Valentines Day Lovers

 For the long haul - you can count on me to be your…

to be contd.

Till next time

Xoxo

Trapped Within Four Walls

The thing about four walls…I mean the thing about being trapped within four walls is that it makes your mind wander. It forces you to think, well for me at least. It slows you down, you see things in waves of perspectives. Maybe because the voices around you are less and the ones in your head becomes active and extremely loud.

Four Walls

Sometimes we are so busy dashing and running towards the finish line that we forget the purpose for which we started running in the first place. We become inattentive to the journey and we run right passed our blessings and we pay no mind to the things that really matters.

Ever so often the price is not as attractive as the beauty of the journey. When we look back we realise we have created memories we never cherished and moments that we’ll never get back. We only tend to appreciate the journey in the end.

We plan and we imagine, we dream and we vision the future, All the while forgetting the little important details along the way.  And above all we forget that our lives are not ours to plan. There is a master up there and he makes everything beautiful in his time. Not your time! Understand this and let that resonate.

I planned and imagined and I forgot there’s a God whose plans are better than mine, whose timing and plans are greater than mine and who’s able to make all things beautiful in his time. Did I actually forgot or was I too busy running a race i know nothing about?

Swimming in this euphoric water balloon. It was bliss. It was where you’ve longed to be, a place that felt like home, where all your fears are put to rest till the thought of the end churns your whole being. It was that place.

Don't Wake Me Up

Maybe I didn’t forget and I wasn’t busy either. Maybe I was just a little scared of the reality. Maybe I wasn’t mentally and emotionally prepared for my truth. Or maybe I knew the truth and it felt like a road I’ve walked before, a book I’ve read before and a very familiar story but the thought of it frightened me. I was terrified.

I knew!

Trapped within four walls...

Whilst everyone was popping bottles and cheering the New Year on I was in hospital fighting for my dear life. It happened so much that this was one of the severest attack I’ve had in a long time, medications that used to work, ceased to work on my body. My body was working against everything it was used to.

Was this a sign?

All through my years of fighting with this illness I have never been hospitalised over the New Year or even Christmas…so this was a first for me. God has his ways of pulling the stubborn ears of His children and i think i was just experiencing mine.

As I lay there I thought, they say everything happens for a reason….that thought kept me going and I knew I was going to pull through. I knew i was going to pull through because what was left to hang on to was just God and hope.

Respect The Journey...

I made plans for my new year’s already, I had things I wanted to do and places I wanted to see but God was laughing at me I’m sure and like a stubborn child he drew my ears and kept me in one place, trapped within four walls.

I needed that.

I am thankful that God hasn’t let me go, because I’ve let Him go, lots of times. He rescues me time and time and again.

The thing about these four walls…

I lay there in the hospital, nurses and doctors coming in and out and I toiling in pain and anguish. You have no idea!

What is the point of running and rushing if you’re going nowhere fast?

Take time to smell the flowers!

Every Once In a While, Slow Down.
You're Not That Busy!

We get so caught up in this race that we don’t even realise we are actually in a race. We do not give ourselves time to think and evaluate our lives. We allow life to take control of our lives. That is not living.

Well that’s what four walls are for…or we can call it recess. A time to evaluate and re-evaluate your life. Our lives must be handled with care and protection. Our lives must be full of purpose. Our lives be handled with love. Treat yourself in such a way that whoever comes into your life will not have a choice but to treat you even better. Remember you teach the world how to treat you.

Be Your Own Hero...

Let’s take a car for example, if you’re busy running this car in all directions without a regular check-up or any form of servicing, eventually it is going to stop serving its purpose and break down. Maybe out of lack of attention or maybe out of lack of care, other times its just mere exhaustion and abuse because things get tired too.

You have all these what ifs in your head and all these unanswered questions. We are seeing all the red flags and warning signs but we’re too busy running to the finish line. Even when you need to stop and service which could mean anything from consulting God to just simply resting and look how far we’ve come. Most times when you race like that, you get to the finish line and then you notice that you have been racing for no reason at all. By then it’s a tad too late.

Wasting time is a dangerous game. And time is a luxury not available to all.

Another thing that came to mind is that in every situation we find ourselves we must be able to give thanks to God. Just because we are in pain doesn’t mean we should be mean or rude. From my closed curtains in the hospital, I could hear the pain and anguish from the lady who was next to me. I had it bad but hers was no way compared to mine…..she had it worst. The easiest way to be grateful is to think that it could have been worse.

On that sick bed was where I evaluated my life. On that sick bed was where I made my New Year resolutions (yes I made couple and I am not going to tell you). On that sick bed was where I grew a new found appreciation for the simple fact that I know God. On that sick bed I handed my life back to God, where it belonged in the first place. On that sick bed I just wanted to know God more. On that sick bed I found a solace in God.

On that hospital bed was where I learnt few more valuable life lessons…

• You have to be your own hero (This wasn’t a quote for me anymore, this was my truth)
• You are stronger than you think, waaayyy stronger
• Miracles happen and there is a shift when you decide to FULLY trust God.
• Sometimes the hardest decisions we NEED to make are the ones that will hurt us the most
• As hard as it can be sometimes, try to be a good person
• People don’t owe you anything, always be grateful
• Just because you’re a good person does not mean that the world would be good to you.
• Self-discipline… Exercise and practice it
• God doesn’t give you a load you cannot carry
• It rains the hardest on those who deserves the sun
• It is okay to cry
• Always be stronger than what you suffer…whatever that is
• There is something about HOPE. Never lose sight of it.
• Don’t treat people the way they treat you, treat them better

Let That Bee Your Thing

This is the life, this is it. Some days are grey, some days are dark…some days darker than others. On better days the sun will shine for you and you will wonder if all that brightness is for you. Well that’s how life is.

Take one day at a time, the good, the bad and the ugly. Do not rush through life. Rely on God fully because with all your letters before and after your name, you still don't know it all. And never, never ever lose hope!

This is my own truth. What’s yours?

Till then

Xoxo