When The Going Gets Tough – You’re Gifted with a New Pair of Lenses!

2019...Still feels like a movie. 

A bad dream and a nightmare.

It feels like sadness, smells like sorrows and pains like pain.

It’s full of lessons, major reflective moments and a constant instant rush of utter disbelief and surrealism.

It’s been only a couple of months but something tells me this pain is here to stay, to build a room, an empire and to make a home.

The story remains but the lessons…

Still Connected By The Heart

 
·        Bereavement, grief and the loss of a loved one will test everything and everyone around you…family, relationships, friendships, your faith, your willingness to trust life one more time, your strength in rising after a fall and your courage to be vulnerable. Your power to heal and willpower to open up to your new life. Because I tell you, your life will change. Losing a loved one is Life Changing!

It will test everything you believe in. But it will give you a fresh perspective on life and a new pair of lenses to view life from.

·        Family is nothing but a title. A neat little ribbon on a rather somewhat package that you have to give meaning to for yourself. Family is not always bound by blood. Family is a title you give to your tribe. Don’t waste precious time on the package you were programmed to believe is family, be more concerned about who you choose to label as family.

·        The party bus gets lit, it is full and everyone is on board but when the going gets tough and the tough gets going, the bus gets empty and you can hear a pin drop. In this disparagement, only then you’ll find your true tribe. When you do, don’t take them for granted.

·        Good friends are important, they’re like warm coats on a cold winter’s night, they’re a cosy hug and they’re like the feel of a comfortable bra – they go on to make a dependable tribe and when you’re suffering a great loss you need people around you.

·        If you can’t cry with them, don’t laugh with them and don’t dance with them either. I have encountered people who I partied hard with in the past but couldn’t send through a condolence message.

·        ‘’Na for bear’’ ‘’It is well’’ aren’t consoling no matter what you might think. People rush to these two phrases for the lack of better words, I understand but sometimes the less you say the better.
A warm hug and kind eyes will suffice.

·        The world doesn’t stop just because yours cease to exist. With tears in your eyes, the world continues to go on, people get married, give birth, and get promotions, smile, and laugh – even when your world is crumbling. This will be one of the toughest things to handle, my advice – disconnect and give your grief your full attention.

·        ‘’Time heals all’’ Bullshit! What a load of bull crap. What a convenient escape for someone lacking right words to say to you. What a dismissive old crooked adage. False hope laced with lies. What does it heal exactly?
·        People can feel when a hug, a kind word or an act of kindness is genuine. If your intention is simply to find out what killed my person, you are a wrong one. People will send a message like this ‘’sorry for your loss but can I just ask what happened to her?’’  You curious cats will not get a response from me. Take your condolences back and allow me to grieve in peace.

·        The intensity of the pain will never ease but the frequency of it will reduce. A piece of advice from a very wise friend. This I found to be true and somewhat comforting. Thank you Akiwumi!

·        There should be a tact to your empathy. Empathy is looking at how you can make that bereaved person’s life easier at their present state, it’s being thoughtful. It’s in your action, not your words. Do you know what I will never forget…?

A friend of mine came to my house the morning I lost my sister and he immediately went to my cousins and asked what food he can prepare for us. This wasn’t going to bring back my sister or make the pain any less but the bite is in the understanding that it’s like 5:30am and the last thing on our minds was cooking or eating or even preparing any kind of food. That is something I will never forget. Another friend came and said nothing but held both my hands and started praying with me. Another brother, brought Acheke – just to put a smile on my face, knowing I love our local cuisine.
When you feel stuck in dealing with the bereaved, less is more. Say less and show your sincere condolences in action. And this doesn’t have to be expensive, just make it genuine, if you can’t forget it.

·        Do not placard news of my bereaved person or their picture on any social platform without my consent in the frivolities of a best friend, main man, brother, sister, dancing partner…etc. – it is not your news to share and if you’re so close to my person as you claim, social media wouldn’t be your first stop. You’ll check to see how I’m doing, check if it’s okay to share MY news. Check if the family is Okay. This I find to be an inconsiderate act, mere selfishness, a tactless and distasteful display of messy!

·        Do not try to get into my pants while I have tears in my eyes. Where is the human in you? Who made you? No….who hurt you? You...my friend is a beautifully wrapped piece of shit! Taking advantage of the vulnerable is reckless.

·        There is no price for the first person who’s first to share a piece of bad news. Especially news that is not yours to share. Be human and for once don’t make it about you. I can assure you no matter how much of a loss you feel, it is nothing compared to the loss the family feels. So be respectful.

·        Your world will stop. Your sun will refuse to shine. You will be extremely vulnerable. You will cry in uncommon places. You will ask questions. You will get no answers. Life will become meaningless. You will cry in uncommon places. You will become depressed. You will cry as a family until you start crying individually in the hopes that this will speed the healing process. It won’t. And this is a very small portion of grieving.

·        ‘’How are you’’ – Oh I’m fantastic, can’t you see…I’m high on life right now…!!! Just don’t do it. Thinking of you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - is a better way of conveying your message.

·        I’m okay – this will become your coping mechanism because explaining yourself gets redundant and exhausting but more so because you have no label for the emotions locked up inside of you. Emotions that you get no control over, emotions that get released with or without your permission.

·        Bad things happen to good people. Shit happens. Life happens. You can do things by the books and stay within the script but that is still not a blanket from life’s hailstones.No one is exempted from its hit!

·        It is never a competition ‘’oh I lost my great grandfather and my cat too on holiday a few weeks ago.’’ or ‘’ my friend’s sister died too’’ Really? Are we comparing deaths and tragedies now? I can gladly do without the tragic loss of my younger sister and your attempt at ‘’Misery loves company’’ is terrible and the timing is off. And it is not helping.

·        You cannot teach people how to grieve for you and with you. People handle grief in different ways. They might seem to go on with life as normal but you’re not there when the shutters are down. You cannot command people to grieve with you on your terms. You cannot command people to grief for on-demand. No one owes you their grief and certainly not their sadness. Let’s all grow up.

·        Moving on is not a betrayal to your deceased person. In between your grief, you will find moments when you can smile or even share a laugh. You will learn to live again, without them. Life can be a tough gig.

What I have learnt so far is the importance of holding on to the love and the memories shared while they were alive. The pictures, the voice notes, the videos or their favourite phases.

Never be Too Grown to
Make Beautiful Memories

It is important to understand that some things cannot be fixed, made whole again or mended…..once broken. Some pain cannot be cheered out of or shaken off.

You can never explain it enough, no matter how articulate you are. Some things, like grief, can only be carried –

You have to go through it to get to that space of acceptance.

But whatever you do, do not allow Grief to hold you hostage. Because it easily can.

And that is just the tip of an iceberg of what the loss of a loved one feels like.

Your pain is valid and the lessons…they stay!

Grief Can Only Be Carried