When The Going Gets Tough – You’re Gifted with a New Pair of Lenses!

2019...Still feels like a movie. 

A bad dream and a nightmare.

It feels like sadness, smells like sorrows and pains like pain.

It’s full of lessons, major reflective moments and a constant instant rush of utter disbelief and surrealism.

It’s been only a couple of months but something tells me this pain is here to stay, to build a room, an empire and to make a home.

The story remains but the lessons…

Still Connected By The Heart

 
·        Bereavement, grief and the loss of a loved one will test everything and everyone around you…family, relationships, friendships, your faith, your willingness to trust life one more time, your strength in rising after a fall and your courage to be vulnerable. Your power to heal and willpower to open up to your new life. Because I tell you, your life will change. Losing a loved one is Life Changing!

It will test everything you believe in. But it will give you a fresh perspective on life and a new pair of lenses to view life from.

·        Family is nothing but a title. A neat little ribbon on a rather somewhat package that you have to give meaning to for yourself. Family is not always bound by blood. Family is a title you give to your tribe. Don’t waste precious time on the package you were programmed to believe is family, be more concerned about who you choose to label as family.

·        The party bus gets lit, it is full and everyone is on board but when the going gets tough and the tough gets going, the bus gets empty and you can hear a pin drop. In this disparagement, only then you’ll find your true tribe. When you do, don’t take them for granted.

·        Good friends are important, they’re like warm coats on a cold winter’s night, they’re a cosy hug and they’re like the feel of a comfortable bra – they go on to make a dependable tribe and when you’re suffering a great loss you need people around you.

·        If you can’t cry with them, don’t laugh with them and don’t dance with them either. I have encountered people who I partied hard with in the past but couldn’t send through a condolence message.

·        ‘’Na for bear’’ ‘’It is well’’ aren’t consoling no matter what you might think. People rush to these two phrases for the lack of better words, I understand but sometimes the less you say the better.
A warm hug and kind eyes will suffice.

·        The world doesn’t stop just because yours cease to exist. With tears in your eyes, the world continues to go on, people get married, give birth, and get promotions, smile, and laugh – even when your world is crumbling. This will be one of the toughest things to handle, my advice – disconnect and give your grief your full attention.

·        ‘’Time heals all’’ Bullshit! What a load of bull crap. What a convenient escape for someone lacking right words to say to you. What a dismissive old crooked adage. False hope laced with lies. What does it heal exactly?
·        People can feel when a hug, a kind word or an act of kindness is genuine. If your intention is simply to find out what killed my person, you are a wrong one. People will send a message like this ‘’sorry for your loss but can I just ask what happened to her?’’  You curious cats will not get a response from me. Take your condolences back and allow me to grieve in peace.

·        The intensity of the pain will never ease but the frequency of it will reduce. A piece of advice from a very wise friend. This I found to be true and somewhat comforting. Thank you Akiwumi!

·        There should be a tact to your empathy. Empathy is looking at how you can make that bereaved person’s life easier at their present state, it’s being thoughtful. It’s in your action, not your words. Do you know what I will never forget…?

A friend of mine came to my house the morning I lost my sister and he immediately went to my cousins and asked what food he can prepare for us. This wasn’t going to bring back my sister or make the pain any less but the bite is in the understanding that it’s like 5:30am and the last thing on our minds was cooking or eating or even preparing any kind of food. That is something I will never forget. Another friend came and said nothing but held both my hands and started praying with me. Another brother, brought Acheke – just to put a smile on my face, knowing I love our local cuisine.
When you feel stuck in dealing with the bereaved, less is more. Say less and show your sincere condolences in action. And this doesn’t have to be expensive, just make it genuine, if you can’t forget it.

·        Do not placard news of my bereaved person or their picture on any social platform without my consent in the frivolities of a best friend, main man, brother, sister, dancing partner…etc. – it is not your news to share and if you’re so close to my person as you claim, social media wouldn’t be your first stop. You’ll check to see how I’m doing, check if it’s okay to share MY news. Check if the family is Okay. This I find to be an inconsiderate act, mere selfishness, a tactless and distasteful display of messy!

·        Do not try to get into my pants while I have tears in my eyes. Where is the human in you? Who made you? No….who hurt you? You...my friend is a beautifully wrapped piece of shit! Taking advantage of the vulnerable is reckless.

·        There is no price for the first person who’s first to share a piece of bad news. Especially news that is not yours to share. Be human and for once don’t make it about you. I can assure you no matter how much of a loss you feel, it is nothing compared to the loss the family feels. So be respectful.

·        Your world will stop. Your sun will refuse to shine. You will be extremely vulnerable. You will cry in uncommon places. You will ask questions. You will get no answers. Life will become meaningless. You will cry in uncommon places. You will become depressed. You will cry as a family until you start crying individually in the hopes that this will speed the healing process. It won’t. And this is a very small portion of grieving.

·        ‘’How are you’’ – Oh I’m fantastic, can’t you see…I’m high on life right now…!!! Just don’t do it. Thinking of you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - is a better way of conveying your message.

·        I’m okay – this will become your coping mechanism because explaining yourself gets redundant and exhausting but more so because you have no label for the emotions locked up inside of you. Emotions that you get no control over, emotions that get released with or without your permission.

·        Bad things happen to good people. Shit happens. Life happens. You can do things by the books and stay within the script but that is still not a blanket from life’s hailstones.No one is exempted from its hit!

·        It is never a competition ‘’oh I lost my great grandfather and my cat too on holiday a few weeks ago.’’ or ‘’ my friend’s sister died too’’ Really? Are we comparing deaths and tragedies now? I can gladly do without the tragic loss of my younger sister and your attempt at ‘’Misery loves company’’ is terrible and the timing is off. And it is not helping.

·        You cannot teach people how to grieve for you and with you. People handle grief in different ways. They might seem to go on with life as normal but you’re not there when the shutters are down. You cannot command people to grieve with you on your terms. You cannot command people to grief for on-demand. No one owes you their grief and certainly not their sadness. Let’s all grow up.

·        Moving on is not a betrayal to your deceased person. In between your grief, you will find moments when you can smile or even share a laugh. You will learn to live again, without them. Life can be a tough gig.

What I have learnt so far is the importance of holding on to the love and the memories shared while they were alive. The pictures, the voice notes, the videos or their favourite phases.

Never be Too Grown to
Make Beautiful Memories

It is important to understand that some things cannot be fixed, made whole again or mended…..once broken. Some pain cannot be cheered out of or shaken off.

You can never explain it enough, no matter how articulate you are. Some things, like grief, can only be carried –

You have to go through it to get to that space of acceptance.

But whatever you do, do not allow Grief to hold you hostage. Because it easily can.

And that is just the tip of an iceberg of what the loss of a loved one feels like.

Your pain is valid and the lessons…they stay!

Grief Can Only Be Carried

 
 
 
 
              
 

The Greatest Lie She’s Ever Had to Tell...

How did she even get here?!

The first of January 2019 – The night that changed everything.

Nights were filled with clouds of sadness and air of despair.

No sleep!

She loathed sadness but these days, sadness seemed to be the only emotion that keeps lurking.

The days were long and agonising. Filled with fears and uncontrollable tears.

Fear? This was uncommon ground for her and this left her uneasy.

Slowly and slowly, in her brokenness, she succumbed. She embraced all of what pain and sadness had to offer as she learnt that this was not going away anytime soon.

Life took all her options away and Life changed in a twinkle of an eye.

She was offered lemons in exchange for her cherries. They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade but her lemonade was undrinkable, indigestible and rancorous.

Waking up was a task, talking about it brings floods of tears and life itself became a very dark room.

Curtains closed, all curled up in a foetal position, her mouth trembled trying to string a prayer together as the constant beeping of the iPhone becomes an irritable sound she lives to despise.

She had questions. She had many unanswered questions.

Why her, why now, why hers and simply why. She dwelled and dwelled.

She drank subconsciously from a cocktail of emotions and feelings that she didn’t know how to manage. Because of that, they got the better of her.

Everything was a trigger. A happy family, her favourite food, stop crying, a prayer, her bedroom, her racks of collectible trainers, it’ll get better, happy siblings…every single thing became a trigger.

She wasn’t bitter, she wasn’t jealous…she was just in pain. A pain that she couldn’t feel but she must endure. A pain that had no antidote but she must endure. A pain that that comes in flood in the mornings, when she’s in the middle of something or when she was doing the most mundane tasks.

She was a woman in pain. A pain you can’t possibly explain to another. A pain that requires courage and tenacity but sends hard blows and no matter how much the next person was feeling for you, they can’t take an ounce of it away.

Holding on to Memories...

A pain that she must endure. But first, it consumed her. Her whole being. Her life!

She felt trapped and annihilated. Helpless! Simple tasks required insurmountable strength.

And when she was asked how you are.

She mustered up strength from where she didn’t know it existed. She wiped her tears. Bandaged her wounds and put on the mask.

And with a deceitful tongue and a plastic smile.

With a redundant and aptly disguised expression.

And a heavy shoulder and a burdened soul.

Locked in with sad eyes and a well-rehearsed lie,

Her lips curve in unison.

As she sinfully says it one more time, like every other time.

‘‘I’m Okay’’

I’m Okay was the greatest lie she’s ever had to tell.

And still telling…

It was an easy escape….still is.

Its fobs people off and it’s easier to explain.

It is dismissive and it fends off a helping hand.

It stops the questions and eases the triggers.

It prevented her from talking about her loss and actual state of being.

It prevented strangers from preying in her untouched territory. 

Grounds that she has yet to explore.

I’m Okay tucks her reality neatly away.

It was her coping mechanism.

Less preying questions to awaken a hurtful reality.

Or discuss something she was fighting so hard to not deal with.

It was a very strong fence.

I’m Okay... was her greatest lie. An uncomfortable place to hide.

It used to be a familiar place and a place she once used to live. But that time, she was Okay and that was her reality. Now… not so much.

At this present time in her life, this very moment.

This is the greatest lie she has to tell.

As inquiring minds press on and ask ‘’Are you sure’’

She will steadfastly repeat…‘’I’m Okay’’

A Void...The Void!

In her numbness, she realised that happiness can be faked but Joy is internal and that she was lacking. She learnt that joy can never be attained when the soul is not at rest. It can never be experienced when there is a void within. The void was now occupied with this pain she can’t explain.

But she can fake her happy so she continued to do just that.

All this while, she was breaking inside. She was a broken woman screaming for the pain to go. Praying for someone to wake her up from her nightmare. Hoping for the pain to go away.

That pain built a home in her chest and stole her life. The same pain pulled her apart in tiny different pieces and tested everything she believed in.….prayers, family, friends!

Everything!

That pain was hell-bent on destroying her and combined with her greatest lie well encompassed, she became a mighty fine candidate for destruction.

When everything inside her will be screaming, her pain demanded to be felt. It was going nowhere and demanded to be dealt with but she was too weak with not a fight left in her. She bandaged some more.

She became numb and realised that this pain was here to stay.

And in this fragile moment, she leant her greatest lesson.

Pain demands to be felt in all its intensity and frequency. It demands to be endured. Pain is here to teach us and it will not go until we’ve learnt. Even after we have taken the lesson, the pain lingers. With another chance in life, we live and learn to smile through the storm even with tears in our eyes.

It’s so easy to say I’m okay but that does nothing for the healing we so indirectly seek. The fake smile coupled with all the disguises make a great concoction of foolery but in the grand scheme of things, we are just prolonging our pains, telling people what they want to hear while we have a thunder boiling inside and a volcano waiting to explode.

A melting pot of emotional disaster she became …in a twinkle of an eye.

How quickly life changes.

She was tired. And just wanted to come up for a breath of fresh air.

To her, it wasn’t just a lie. It was more than an untruthful confession.

It was her affirmation to herself that one day,

Without knowing how, when and where…

One day she was going to be ok.

Okay with this pain.

And that greatest lie will cease to be her greatest lie.

Her greatest lie will go on to become her truth!

A truth she has fought so hard for.

A truth she worked so hard to uncover and reveal in a shiny unveiling.

A truth that will become her very own truth.

I’m okay, I’m not where I hoped to be…

I’m just okay.

And with every passing day, she grew to be okay in her own Okay!

To make peace with things that were out of her control and focus on the choices life now offers.

And for now, that was enough.

But the most intriguing question lingered…

Will she ever be truly OKAY again?

The Chaos in Her...

Sometimes the chaos in her still wonders.

Defining success….on your own terms

Create Your Own Wave

Relax

You’re doing fine. You’re doing great and you’re going to be alright.

Its baby steps till you get to where you’re meant to be. It’s one day at a time till you achieve that which you set out to achieve.

The definition of success have been shoved and pushed down our throats to the point that we think success has a universal face. No it doesn’t.

We’ve sized up success to be this one size fits all garment. Wear. Just wear, it will suit you. Perfectly. Take the universal umbrella and run with it!

Save your strength and stop!

Are you going to allow society to define success for you?

Are you going to be blinded by society’s standards of success?

Are you going to be burdened and amputated by the expectations of society?

Are you going to be lowered, reduced and dragged around by the success you see and read about daily?

Depressed and worried that you’re not doing enough. Sick and tired of the pace at which you’re progressing. Beating yourself up daily because you fail to measure up to the universal gauge of success.

So we live in fear and depression of not measuring up to what society deems as success.

It could all be so easy but we as humans are always looking for a map, some sort of guidelines, life manual or a list. Stop killing yourself slowly. Were you born with instructions?

Free your potential.

You must first understand and identify what is success to you. If you don’t know then you’ll be easily pushed around by the expectations of everyone else.

Walk in your own lane. Pave your own path at your own pace. Be prayerful and commit every move into God’s hands. Be proud of your littlest accomplishments. Celebrate every little achievement. Recognise your strength. Work on your shortcomings. Do not champion your weaknesses. Acknowledge your efforts and when you fail do not stop. Take a rest and try again.

Never push yourself to exhaustion. Amidst all your hard work, make sure you protect your happy.

Mama has spoken...Major Key!

If you gain the world and it can’t even put a smile on your face then you my friend is not succeeding.

If by any chance the only mountain you were able to move was you getting out of bed, so be it. Some days everything will go wrong, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Understand that you cannot give more than what is in you so always protect your well-being. And at the end after you’ve given your 100 and that extra 10%, sleep with satisfaction for you have done your best and remember your best is always good enough.

You fail at a task so what? Pick yourself up and try again. Most successes today were built on roadblocks of failures. Today they have a story, a story that inspires.

I encourage you to build yours….even if it’s one that everyone laughs at today at least it’s your story.

Don’t be distracted by the next man’s success. Don’t be jealous. You do not know how much they’ve prayed. My friend once tweeted that prayer is free…and indeed it is. So stay prayed up.

Avoid comparison for it is the greatest thief of time. Avoid looking back. Understand that you are in a competition with no one but the person you were yesterday.

Don’t allow anyone to scare you. Don’t allow fear to inhibit your potential. You have everything you need to succeed in you. Remember the grace of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot protect you.

Focus!

How Many People Have You Helped?

There is no universal definition for success and success does not have a face, tone or shape. Success does not come in this glamorous package either. Success is not one size fits all.

Success is more an internal affair than external. You find it within first.

Personally money and wealth makes a fine pillow and offers a comfortable ride in this thing called life but they don’t count as success for me.

I know a lot of wealthy people who are not successful at life. Funny right? Well its possible and its sad so don’t let that be you.

Do you want to know what success is to me?

Here we go…

Success in my life is good health, happiness and love of family. Success is me able to hear the voice of my grandmother and loved ones. Success in my life is being able to do the little but significant things for myself. Success is being able to see the sunrise, watch the sunset and being able to hear the pitter patter of the rain drops. Success is being able to hear my niece and nephews saying I love you Aunt Doris. Success is coming home to peace and quiet and the smell of my dinner from last night. Success is me coiled up on my sofa with my laptop on my lap and television on my favorite channel. Success is me lying on my bed listening to my favorite songs. Success is me having the strength to praise God, my maker. Success is me being able to inspire you by my ordinary, mundane and rather boring life.

For me it is my truth, it is raw and unedited and it is genuine. It requires no approval and I do not need to paint it to make it look like yours. I don’t need to deceive you into thinking my life is perfect and I succeed in all my endeavors.

I fail sometimes. I cry too and I have bad days ever so often. Just like everyone else.

Whether you choose to interpret my idea of success as ordinary, boring or exciting and crazy that is entirely up to you and I respect it.

You know why?

Because your definition of success does not have to be packaged the same way mine is and that my friend is the beauty of success.

Not all of us were born to conquer the world and make significant difference in a big, loud and massive way. Some of us were put on this earth to make the most significant difference in the most subtle manner.

You can succeed in farming, you can also be a success in politics, you can succeed in construction and you can be a success in teaching. You can be a success in mothering.

Whatever success is to you, embrace it unapologetically and be that!

You have your definition of success. Stick to it and work on it.

No one can tell you what success is to you but you. Unless they know what your capabilities, needs, weaknesses and strength are, then they can’t tell you nothing. Stay away from they and idle chatter and construct your own path towards success.

Define success on your own terms and package it the way you want to. Wrap it up how you’d like to see it and appreciate it for what it is.

It is your journey and it is your life. Ride it like its golden.

Remember a major part of being a success is maintaining your happy.

Till then

Xoxo