When The Going Gets Tough – You’re Gifted with a New Pair of Lenses!

2019...Still feels like a movie. 

A bad dream and a nightmare.

It feels like sadness, smells like sorrows and pains like pain.

It’s full of lessons, major reflective moments and a constant instant rush of utter disbelief and surrealism.

It’s been only a couple of months but something tells me this pain is here to stay, to build a room, an empire and to make a home.

The story remains but the lessons…

Still Connected By The Heart

 
·        Bereavement, grief and the loss of a loved one will test everything and everyone around you…family, relationships, friendships, your faith, your willingness to trust life one more time, your strength in rising after a fall and your courage to be vulnerable. Your power to heal and willpower to open up to your new life. Because I tell you, your life will change. Losing a loved one is Life Changing!

It will test everything you believe in. But it will give you a fresh perspective on life and a new pair of lenses to view life from.

·        Family is nothing but a title. A neat little ribbon on a rather somewhat package that you have to give meaning to for yourself. Family is not always bound by blood. Family is a title you give to your tribe. Don’t waste precious time on the package you were programmed to believe is family, be more concerned about who you choose to label as family.

·        The party bus gets lit, it is full and everyone is on board but when the going gets tough and the tough gets going, the bus gets empty and you can hear a pin drop. In this disparagement, only then you’ll find your true tribe. When you do, don’t take them for granted.

·        Good friends are important, they’re like warm coats on a cold winter’s night, they’re a cosy hug and they’re like the feel of a comfortable bra – they go on to make a dependable tribe and when you’re suffering a great loss you need people around you.

·        If you can’t cry with them, don’t laugh with them and don’t dance with them either. I have encountered people who I partied hard with in the past but couldn’t send through a condolence message.

·        ‘’Na for bear’’ ‘’It is well’’ aren’t consoling no matter what you might think. People rush to these two phrases for the lack of better words, I understand but sometimes the less you say the better.
A warm hug and kind eyes will suffice.

·        The world doesn’t stop just because yours cease to exist. With tears in your eyes, the world continues to go on, people get married, give birth, and get promotions, smile, and laugh – even when your world is crumbling. This will be one of the toughest things to handle, my advice – disconnect and give your grief your full attention.

·        ‘’Time heals all’’ Bullshit! What a load of bull crap. What a convenient escape for someone lacking right words to say to you. What a dismissive old crooked adage. False hope laced with lies. What does it heal exactly?
·        People can feel when a hug, a kind word or an act of kindness is genuine. If your intention is simply to find out what killed my person, you are a wrong one. People will send a message like this ‘’sorry for your loss but can I just ask what happened to her?’’  You curious cats will not get a response from me. Take your condolences back and allow me to grieve in peace.

·        The intensity of the pain will never ease but the frequency of it will reduce. A piece of advice from a very wise friend. This I found to be true and somewhat comforting. Thank you Akiwumi!

·        There should be a tact to your empathy. Empathy is looking at how you can make that bereaved person’s life easier at their present state, it’s being thoughtful. It’s in your action, not your words. Do you know what I will never forget…?

A friend of mine came to my house the morning I lost my sister and he immediately went to my cousins and asked what food he can prepare for us. This wasn’t going to bring back my sister or make the pain any less but the bite is in the understanding that it’s like 5:30am and the last thing on our minds was cooking or eating or even preparing any kind of food. That is something I will never forget. Another friend came and said nothing but held both my hands and started praying with me. Another brother, brought Acheke – just to put a smile on my face, knowing I love our local cuisine.
When you feel stuck in dealing with the bereaved, less is more. Say less and show your sincere condolences in action. And this doesn’t have to be expensive, just make it genuine, if you can’t forget it.

·        Do not placard news of my bereaved person or their picture on any social platform without my consent in the frivolities of a best friend, main man, brother, sister, dancing partner…etc. – it is not your news to share and if you’re so close to my person as you claim, social media wouldn’t be your first stop. You’ll check to see how I’m doing, check if it’s okay to share MY news. Check if the family is Okay. This I find to be an inconsiderate act, mere selfishness, a tactless and distasteful display of messy!

·        Do not try to get into my pants while I have tears in my eyes. Where is the human in you? Who made you? No….who hurt you? You...my friend is a beautifully wrapped piece of shit! Taking advantage of the vulnerable is reckless.

·        There is no price for the first person who’s first to share a piece of bad news. Especially news that is not yours to share. Be human and for once don’t make it about you. I can assure you no matter how much of a loss you feel, it is nothing compared to the loss the family feels. So be respectful.

·        Your world will stop. Your sun will refuse to shine. You will be extremely vulnerable. You will cry in uncommon places. You will ask questions. You will get no answers. Life will become meaningless. You will cry in uncommon places. You will become depressed. You will cry as a family until you start crying individually in the hopes that this will speed the healing process. It won’t. And this is a very small portion of grieving.

·        ‘’How are you’’ – Oh I’m fantastic, can’t you see…I’m high on life right now…!!! Just don’t do it. Thinking of you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - is a better way of conveying your message.

·        I’m okay – this will become your coping mechanism because explaining yourself gets redundant and exhausting but more so because you have no label for the emotions locked up inside of you. Emotions that you get no control over, emotions that get released with or without your permission.

·        Bad things happen to good people. Shit happens. Life happens. You can do things by the books and stay within the script but that is still not a blanket from life’s hailstones.No one is exempted from its hit!

·        It is never a competition ‘’oh I lost my great grandfather and my cat too on holiday a few weeks ago.’’ or ‘’ my friend’s sister died too’’ Really? Are we comparing deaths and tragedies now? I can gladly do without the tragic loss of my younger sister and your attempt at ‘’Misery loves company’’ is terrible and the timing is off. And it is not helping.

·        You cannot teach people how to grieve for you and with you. People handle grief in different ways. They might seem to go on with life as normal but you’re not there when the shutters are down. You cannot command people to grieve with you on your terms. You cannot command people to grief for on-demand. No one owes you their grief and certainly not their sadness. Let’s all grow up.

·        Moving on is not a betrayal to your deceased person. In between your grief, you will find moments when you can smile or even share a laugh. You will learn to live again, without them. Life can be a tough gig.

What I have learnt so far is the importance of holding on to the love and the memories shared while they were alive. The pictures, the voice notes, the videos or their favourite phases.

Never be Too Grown to
Make Beautiful Memories

It is important to understand that some things cannot be fixed, made whole again or mended…..once broken. Some pain cannot be cheered out of or shaken off.

You can never explain it enough, no matter how articulate you are. Some things, like grief, can only be carried –

You have to go through it to get to that space of acceptance.

But whatever you do, do not allow Grief to hold you hostage. Because it easily can.

And that is just the tip of an iceberg of what the loss of a loved one feels like.

Your pain is valid and the lessons…they stay!

Grief Can Only Be Carried

 
 
 
 
              
 

Single And Building My Empire

“Single and building my empire” but who turned you into a builder?

Are We Really Building An Empire?!

What if I tell you that you can do both?

Why all the decorations?

All the trimmings and the confetti?

Why all the background noise and the tambourine?

It’s all a bit too noisy up in here …don’t you think?

So much that you’re getting lost in all the charade.

Most importantly, are you happy?

You’re sad because you’re single and I can’t possibly think of anything sadder than that kind of sad.

You’re single and you’re sad because you think no one wants you. You’re scared that you’re going to grow old alone and you fear loneliness.

You want to keep up appearances like Ali, sally and Nelly.

You want to prove that you can pull that guy too. Or you can get the girl just like the next man. Sounds exhausting.

You are sad and you’re withering away in this tedious fight to prove that you’re high in demand. If you fight so hard to prove that you’re the business, are you really the business?!

Each night you fight this fight of belonging, the fight to keep up appearance as you cry yourself to sleep.

You’re treating life like a race. It was never one to begin with, slow down!

You’re at a stage when you haven’t met that special someone and you think time is running out so you destroy your happy…one sad thought at a time.

God's Best Is Your Best

You have successfully embedded the thoughts in your head that the only way to your happy is through someone else.

You haven’t learnt how to appreciate your alone time so you’re sad that you’re single. You hug your pillow and wet it with tears of wanting and belonging, just because you’re single.

You’re struggling with this phase and the world need not know. So you mask it with all the trimmings and special effects and life’s most deceiving filters. The truth about those filters and trimming is that they’re like the Cinderella story, come midnight its back to reality as you lay on your bed, in the dark, feeling sorry for yourself for no reason as you cry yourself to sleep.

Each passing day leaves you bitter, unfulfilled and sad. So sad that it’s almost hard to convince the world that you’re still building that empire.

Sad is no place to be…not at any time in your life because when you’re not looking It eats you up real fast.

Sadness eats you up real fast

See those filters are not loyal. Those trimmings are not loyal either…so do yourself a favour and make you your first commitment.

You are your first commitment…don’t play yourself. And don’t ever forget that.

Hold on…are we still building that empire?

Stop.

What empire are you building?

An empire of self-pity, sadness and tears?!

You aren’t building no empire.

Or if you were….

I am here to ask you to stop building that empire. Just stop.

What is your story? Who made you a builder? Who taught you that you have to keep busy to decorate your singleness? Who taught you that it’s wrong to be your own person?

Put down the shovel and hoe. Take a rest child. Put down your tools and embrace your singleness.

You are whole all by yourself and darling…being in a relationship doesn’t scream wholeness. Trust me on this one.

I know you aren’t building no empire. You’re trying to tell the world you’re too busy for love when deep down inwardly you crave for a love so deep. 

You are desperate to find that one true love and your patience is running out. But while you wait you think it’s convenient to tell the wold that you’re building that empire.

Please abort this operation stay busy of building an empire. From what I can see, it is easier to decorate our pains than to face them.

There’s is no shame in being single. It is perfectly OK to be single. It is not a taboo to be single at any age and it is certainly not an offence to be single.

There is more to life than being in the couples club. You’re single and that’s OK. Being in a relationship doesn’t make you whole.

Our generation have skilfully managed to make being single look formidable. We’ve craftily turned singleness into a taboo… but you are in charge and whatever you believe and allow is what will happen to you.

Don’t be dragged into the trend of this generation. I say it again, being single is normal and it is okay.

You’re allowed to be single without making any excuses for your singleness.

Learn to bask in your ALONE time

If single is what you are now, have no shame in your state of being. There is nothing wrong with you and you are under no obligation to decorate your singledom.

You’re single. Period. Believe that it a complete statement that requires no validation. It is a complete sentence that makes perfect sense, no need for the decorative excuses and add-ons.

Don’t try too hard to fit in that you start looking like the jester. Don’t try too hard to fit in the box that you come out damaged and confused. Be your own version of you.

Who knows who you will inspire…by just being you?

Don’t miss out on all the fun trying to be a good look. The people you’re putting a show for do they really care about you? Have you checked that they are checking for you?

You might just be alone in this fight…you might just be both the audience and the entertainer.

Embrace your state of being and at the right time, you’ll meet that special someone. Be comfortable in that phase of life that you are now. There is a time for everything under the sun.

Never ever lose sight of hope because what keeps us going is not even the love you crave for so desperately or the air you breath, what keeps the engines oiled is HOPE!

Tell people bold and loud… (Only if you want to)

You’re single.

No add-ons. No trimmings. No decorations.

…a partner should only enhance your being.

Be whole.  Stay whole

GOD IS LOVE

Till then

Xoxo

The Girl with the Muted Elegance.

Girl I see you.

I see you struggling with your emotions. I see you behind that pretty I’m-Okay mask and behind that beautiful smile I see that teary eye.

Behind The Mask...

From a distance I sense your pain and your wavering self-esteem. I see you battle to get through the day and I see you play the happy girl.

I see you girl…I see you and I respect your strength.

I see you using social media as your therapist. And leaning on those likes and comments for validation. Girl I see you. I see you trying to find yourself through people and but all I really see is you getting lost in them.

I see how you diligently make Facebook your journal. But again I see a beautiful girl misplaced looking for answers in all the wrong places… I see a girl with endless capabilities.

I see your distracting mechanism. I see you snap at every little thing because you’re at your wits’ end. Take life off girl and rest.

I see you but I am not here to judge you. Heck I can’t judge you and I will never will be qualified to Judge you.

Girl I see you because I have been there. I was once that girl. I was that lost little girl.

But I am here to tell you that it’s going to be okay. All will be well and all will be well.

I was able to see you because we are one of the same. I like weird and awkward people. I like the rejects and I like the six fingers and the odd ducks. I like the misunderstood and I like the lost and broken. I like the loners, the one strand of grey hair and the underdog. I like the girl with scars and above all I love the girl with the muted elegance.

You know why? Because I am all of those.

It is perfectly okay to be vulnerable because vulnerability is transparency. It is okay to cry. I cry too. It is okay to not have it all together because that is the beautiful thing about life…none of us have life on a lockdown. We’re all trying to figure it out. One mistake at a time.

We're All Trying To Figure it Out

Stop beating yourself up. Stop walking on egg shells. Stop wallowing in self-pity and sadness. Stop. Stop being unkind to yourself. There’s insurmountable power in self-acceptance. Love yourself a little bit more…just a little bit more. Enough to not doubt yourself when you slip and fall.

You may never be enough in the eyes of some people and you may never be that girl but remember you’re not here to fit into a box. Look in the mirror and when you do, look into your eyes and there you will see the beauty that lies within.

Forget what you’ve heard. Forget what they’ve told you but more importantly recognise what you see.

Girl I can see the beauty. I can see the potential and I can see your greatness but it hurts me more to watch you whittle away…one Facebook status at a time.

So what… you failed at your relationship or you failed at being the super girlfriend. Or you failed at being the doting daughter or maybe those grades didn’t add up? So what? So what you failed at your job…so what?!

No experience is wasted. And don’t build a mansion on Regret Street.

Failure is information. Struggle is redirection. Ride your Journey.

When the lights go off, speak to that dark moment and ask it what are you here to teach me? Because believe me…every set back comes with a message. Listen up. Listen up girl.

Find yourself in your quiet moment. This can’t be done on Facebook. It can’t be done on twitter or snapchat. Social media is not your therapist. Believe me when I say out of the same mouth that releases praises…from there comes the harsh criticisms. People are trolling on social media looking for entertainment with a handful of popcorn and cola on the other hand.

Screenshots flying from one WhatsApp forum to the other. Your struggle becomes their tea and your life’s fight becomes their bedtime story. The truth is, if you put it out there for all to see, don’t be mad when you become the tea of the day. Don’t make yourself a victim.

Are you going to keep running to Facebook when things go wrong? I would love to promise you sunshine all year but that's not going to happen, there are going to be rainy days.. because that is life.

As a young girl I want you to own a journal. Pen down every challenging moment. And when you feel the urge to update your social media run to your journal…pen it down. When you feel the urge for validation, pray, pick up that pen and Journal and start writing.

Get A Journal

You'll Thank Me Later

When it gets too much, don’t be afraid to cry and above all remember there’s a God waiting on you to call on him. Man is fickle but God’s love is unwavering.

It works wonder. I assure you…that pen and journal will never judge you neither will God because he is not here for the righteous.

To the girl with the muted elegance…I challenge you to:

Learn to be alone. Enjoy your own company. Respect yourself and be kind to yourself. Speak positivity into your being and be true to yourself. Unapologetically ride your wave. Celebrate yourself. Stay prayed up.

Don’t try to figure it all in a day. Drink a lot of water. Life happens one day at a time.

You've Got This!

Our darkest moments lead us to a new passion and love for life. Wait on it.

And after it all, I hope you come out screaming. I hope you unmute your elegance. I’m here waiting…waiting to see you be the girl who will inspire other girls to use their voice.

I am waiting…patiently because I believe you’re going to come out of this stronger and wiser.

I want to see you be that girl. That Young girl who can do all things.

You'll Find A Way

Remember there’s nothing to prove to anyone. Live with an unmuted elegance and love yourself for the beautiful ambiguity that you are.

Allow Him

From the girl that cares…

From a distance.

With Love

Till Then

Xoxo

How Long They Choose To Love You Will Never Be Your Decision

Let your guard down they say. Let’s be vulnerable together they say. Fall in love with me, I will catch you they proclaimed. Let’s make this last forever they exclaimed.

Don’t we wish life was that easy?

When you see them you light up, butterflies in the stomach, giggling like a well fed baby and all of a sudden you develop a stutter. Yep that’s your common sense leaving your being.

Congratulations, you’re in love.

Congratulations!!

You’re so attracted to them that seeing them becomes the best part of your day. You smile like a Cheshire cat and all of a sudden because of them your days become brighter and life is good.

You’re happy.

32s On Fleek

One day your days become a nightmare and nights become longer. Your bright and cheerful world becomes this dimly-lit hell hole. You find it hard to believe, harder to smile and even harder breathe. Things are not the same.

You start wondering….

What happened to happily ever after? What happen to I’ll catch you when you fall? And whatever happened to let’s make this last forever?

Every day becomes a struggle. Appetite is gone. The will to live vanishes right before your eyes and all of a sudden nothing else matters.

So many unanswered questions.

Why wasn’t I enough? Wasn’t I good enough? Were you even mine to begin with? What am I supposed to do when our song comes on? Combating those feelings will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

What am i Supposed To Do When Our Song Comes On?

All the sweet nothings that they used to whisper in your ears don’t make sense anymore. You try replaying them in your head and try figuring out where things went wrong. Whenever you do a clearing out, there’s always a reminder of what you used to share...silly notes of dreams that turned into a nightmare overnight.

You cry your eye balls out. No phone calls and no contact with the outside world as you go through pile and piles of tissues.

You can’t even tell your friends because you’re ashamed, you can’t tell your parents because they had high hopes for you too. Heck you can’t even convince yourself that the one person you thought belonged to you, the one person you chose to love, the one person you chose to be vulnerable with, the one person you thought was your forever is gone.

Then it hits you…

It hits you hard that life is a series of unplanned events, a ball of obstacles, a chaotic mess and a merry go round of shit and giggles.

You start realising that how long they chose to love you will never be your decision. When they choose to leave there’s nothing you can do to change that.

I stopped believing in forevers!

You start to realise that the forever people so often talk about is nothing if the moments are not cherished. The forever is somewhere we don’t often make, so I often tell people. Enjoy the moments because if all else fails, you might not have reached a forever but you’ve experienced what True love is. And even if it wasn’t true, once upon a time in a happy place, you’ve experienced love.

And that is something everyone must experience.

One True Love Experience Outweighs
 a Thousand Promised Forevers.

You now know that love is more than a feeling, it a decision you make every day, and people change all the time. Nothing is constant, even that I LOVE YOU that they so often whisper in your ears can falter with time.

What’s your assurance?

You learn that someone else’s love is not yours to own. Therefore it is never yours to lose. It is yours for that time, for that moment, for that period. So experience it and enjoy it when it’s around.

People love and lost all the time and when that love is over, when that love is not enough anymore, when that love no longer serves as your happy place you can’t hold them as prisoners.

Let it go.

You run into them in the mall, living life like nothing happened while you have to struggle to get out of bed every day. To give the world the sunshine. To pretend like everything is ok. And to find the strength to go through each passing day. Now that is true strength.

I applaud you.

You’re forced to see them in public living their lives, hugging, laughing and giggling with their new love. Holding hands and doing all the things you both used to do. Now that kills you each time. And you can’t help but wonder if they ever cared at all.

No one understands the magnitude of pain.

Living Life Like Its Golden...

You log on Facebook and they’re all you see. Plastering pictures everywhere. Happy couple. All smiles. And in your alone moment you’re wondering why me? Is he going to do the same thing to her? Will she be the one? What about all the things he said to me? What happened to the forevers I was promised? What ever happened to the sparkle in her eyes that used to come alive each time we spoke?

It’s gone.

It Was Never Yours To Own!

And accepting that is a daily battle. A daily struggle. Sometimes you’ll have to fight a little harder to make it through the day. But no one knows that.

Seeing the person you love, love someone else is the greatest pain of all time. You can’t explain it but it stings. My god it stings!

But…

Lost love teaches you to be a better human. You can only understand the pain of loss when you’ve had sleepless nights, soaking tear-wet pillows, and that gut wrenching feeling like your heart’s been ripped from your chest. And that is an awful awful feeling. That is pain. That is raw pain.

That Gut -Wrenching Feeling

That awful feeling and excruciating pain teaches you a lot.

It teaches you to be strong.

It teaches you that forever is merely a safe word. Forever is just that…a forever. And it’s nothing more than a promised place.

It helps you to realise your strength and capabilities. In such an awful unguarded moment, you learn that you are enough. You learn that the love of another does not relieve you off the duty of loving yourself.

You treat people with caution and respect and regards because you know what it feels like to be hurt, to be in a dark place, to cry all night with no one to wipe your tears. To hear your own scared quivering voice at night when all the lights are out.

When the only light you see at that time is the moon through the cracks of your window curtain.

It teaches you to never hang on to the theory of one day or the promise of forever but rather seizing each moment because even if it ends one day, you weren’t waiting around for a promised forever, nor were you striking down the calendar for days mounting up to that one day. You’ll be sad its ended, you’ll be gutted but not as much as you would be if all you shared was a promised forever and series of one day.

A Little but Great Infinity

A lost love teaches you the art of being a moment grabber and that I have learnt is a beautiful thing. You take each moment and make it beautiful. You learn the hard fact that life is too short and too long for unhappiness.

You learn that you do not have to break your bones to fit into someone’s idea of love. You understand that your type of love is not for everyone.

And when you will decide to give love another try, you will understand the essence of being present in every moment.

Relationships Sometimes Can Be a Challenge
 But It Should Never Be A Struggle.

And it will be clear that the heart as little as it is holds a significant amount of strength as it goes through heartbreak after heartbreak but never loses the power to feel…..and eventually love again.

You will be guarded. You will be scared. You’ll be unsure.  And if they’re worth your time, they will understand this. They will unbox you carefully, with love and care. They will love the dustiest part of your soul with all understanding and they will give you time to heal…heal on your own terms.

You are happy and at peace with the confirmation that the heart that’s meant to love you, will love you and they won’t have to break a bone.

Through all of this the important and unwavering lesson remain. The lesson to love without attachment. To understand that all could be gone in a day. To never etch your whole experience in one day.

You do not have to promise me a happily ever after. You do not have to promise me a forever. Heck, don’t sell me dreams.

I am content. I am content with this moment.

For the journey, endeavour to always be present, present in the moment. 

Because once upon a lonely night sky, a lost love taught me to love what I have while I have it.

Till next time

XoXo