When The Going Gets Tough – You’re Gifted with a New Pair of Lenses!

2019...Still feels like a movie. 

A bad dream and a nightmare.

It feels like sadness, smells like sorrows and pains like pain.

It’s full of lessons, major reflective moments and a constant instant rush of utter disbelief and surrealism.

It’s been only a couple of months but something tells me this pain is here to stay, to build a room, an empire and to make a home.

The story remains but the lessons…

Still Connected By The Heart

 
·        Bereavement, grief and the loss of a loved one will test everything and everyone around you…family, relationships, friendships, your faith, your willingness to trust life one more time, your strength in rising after a fall and your courage to be vulnerable. Your power to heal and willpower to open up to your new life. Because I tell you, your life will change. Losing a loved one is Life Changing!

It will test everything you believe in. But it will give you a fresh perspective on life and a new pair of lenses to view life from.

·        Family is nothing but a title. A neat little ribbon on a rather somewhat package that you have to give meaning to for yourself. Family is not always bound by blood. Family is a title you give to your tribe. Don’t waste precious time on the package you were programmed to believe is family, be more concerned about who you choose to label as family.

·        The party bus gets lit, it is full and everyone is on board but when the going gets tough and the tough gets going, the bus gets empty and you can hear a pin drop. In this disparagement, only then you’ll find your true tribe. When you do, don’t take them for granted.

·        Good friends are important, they’re like warm coats on a cold winter’s night, they’re a cosy hug and they’re like the feel of a comfortable bra – they go on to make a dependable tribe and when you’re suffering a great loss you need people around you.

·        If you can’t cry with them, don’t laugh with them and don’t dance with them either. I have encountered people who I partied hard with in the past but couldn’t send through a condolence message.

·        ‘’Na for bear’’ ‘’It is well’’ aren’t consoling no matter what you might think. People rush to these two phrases for the lack of better words, I understand but sometimes the less you say the better.
A warm hug and kind eyes will suffice.

·        The world doesn’t stop just because yours cease to exist. With tears in your eyes, the world continues to go on, people get married, give birth, and get promotions, smile, and laugh – even when your world is crumbling. This will be one of the toughest things to handle, my advice – disconnect and give your grief your full attention.

·        ‘’Time heals all’’ Bullshit! What a load of bull crap. What a convenient escape for someone lacking right words to say to you. What a dismissive old crooked adage. False hope laced with lies. What does it heal exactly?
·        People can feel when a hug, a kind word or an act of kindness is genuine. If your intention is simply to find out what killed my person, you are a wrong one. People will send a message like this ‘’sorry for your loss but can I just ask what happened to her?’’  You curious cats will not get a response from me. Take your condolences back and allow me to grieve in peace.

·        The intensity of the pain will never ease but the frequency of it will reduce. A piece of advice from a very wise friend. This I found to be true and somewhat comforting. Thank you Akiwumi!

·        There should be a tact to your empathy. Empathy is looking at how you can make that bereaved person’s life easier at their present state, it’s being thoughtful. It’s in your action, not your words. Do you know what I will never forget…?

A friend of mine came to my house the morning I lost my sister and he immediately went to my cousins and asked what food he can prepare for us. This wasn’t going to bring back my sister or make the pain any less but the bite is in the understanding that it’s like 5:30am and the last thing on our minds was cooking or eating or even preparing any kind of food. That is something I will never forget. Another friend came and said nothing but held both my hands and started praying with me. Another brother, brought Acheke – just to put a smile on my face, knowing I love our local cuisine.
When you feel stuck in dealing with the bereaved, less is more. Say less and show your sincere condolences in action. And this doesn’t have to be expensive, just make it genuine, if you can’t forget it.

·        Do not placard news of my bereaved person or their picture on any social platform without my consent in the frivolities of a best friend, main man, brother, sister, dancing partner…etc. – it is not your news to share and if you’re so close to my person as you claim, social media wouldn’t be your first stop. You’ll check to see how I’m doing, check if it’s okay to share MY news. Check if the family is Okay. This I find to be an inconsiderate act, mere selfishness, a tactless and distasteful display of messy!

·        Do not try to get into my pants while I have tears in my eyes. Where is the human in you? Who made you? No….who hurt you? You...my friend is a beautifully wrapped piece of shit! Taking advantage of the vulnerable is reckless.

·        There is no price for the first person who’s first to share a piece of bad news. Especially news that is not yours to share. Be human and for once don’t make it about you. I can assure you no matter how much of a loss you feel, it is nothing compared to the loss the family feels. So be respectful.

·        Your world will stop. Your sun will refuse to shine. You will be extremely vulnerable. You will cry in uncommon places. You will ask questions. You will get no answers. Life will become meaningless. You will cry in uncommon places. You will become depressed. You will cry as a family until you start crying individually in the hopes that this will speed the healing process. It won’t. And this is a very small portion of grieving.

·        ‘’How are you’’ – Oh I’m fantastic, can’t you see…I’m high on life right now…!!! Just don’t do it. Thinking of you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - is a better way of conveying your message.

·        I’m okay – this will become your coping mechanism because explaining yourself gets redundant and exhausting but more so because you have no label for the emotions locked up inside of you. Emotions that you get no control over, emotions that get released with or without your permission.

·        Bad things happen to good people. Shit happens. Life happens. You can do things by the books and stay within the script but that is still not a blanket from life’s hailstones.No one is exempted from its hit!

·        It is never a competition ‘’oh I lost my great grandfather and my cat too on holiday a few weeks ago.’’ or ‘’ my friend’s sister died too’’ Really? Are we comparing deaths and tragedies now? I can gladly do without the tragic loss of my younger sister and your attempt at ‘’Misery loves company’’ is terrible and the timing is off. And it is not helping.

·        You cannot teach people how to grieve for you and with you. People handle grief in different ways. They might seem to go on with life as normal but you’re not there when the shutters are down. You cannot command people to grieve with you on your terms. You cannot command people to grief for on-demand. No one owes you their grief and certainly not their sadness. Let’s all grow up.

·        Moving on is not a betrayal to your deceased person. In between your grief, you will find moments when you can smile or even share a laugh. You will learn to live again, without them. Life can be a tough gig.

What I have learnt so far is the importance of holding on to the love and the memories shared while they were alive. The pictures, the voice notes, the videos or their favourite phases.

Never be Too Grown to
Make Beautiful Memories

It is important to understand that some things cannot be fixed, made whole again or mended…..once broken. Some pain cannot be cheered out of or shaken off.

You can never explain it enough, no matter how articulate you are. Some things, like grief, can only be carried –

You have to go through it to get to that space of acceptance.

But whatever you do, do not allow Grief to hold you hostage. Because it easily can.

And that is just the tip of an iceberg of what the loss of a loved one feels like.

Your pain is valid and the lessons…they stay!

Grief Can Only Be Carried

 
 
 
 
              
 

''If You Want To Be Interesting, Be Interested''

I see the complaints. The forests and the shades. I read the hints and I sense the hurt. I hear the grunts and the moans. You’re fed up that your charm isn’t pulling the world towards you as it ought to. You’re doing all this because the world isn’t gravitating towards you as you think it should.

Ha!

But Guess what? Nothing works until you start to work.

Nothing will change until you start to make moves.

Nothing …absolutely nothing will change.

People out here do not owe you anything and neither does the world.

You owe everything to yourself.

Can I get real …real with you real quick?

Grow up!

One of my favourite quotes from Dale Carnegie.

‘‘If You Want To Be interesting,

 Be Interested!’’

There is nothing you’re doing that is so special that haven’t been done yet. There is nothing about you that will pull and gravitate the whole world towards if you’re not pulling your weight. You have to put in the work. Every single day. 

You have to make a conscious effort to show up!

Yes you’re special but honey…not that special.

Why would I leave someone who shows a genuine interest in me for someone who rests on their laurels and expect everything to come to them?

Why? Just why?

Let’s take this social media for example. You rant and rant that no one is liking your stuff or showing interest in your work. You throw tantrums that people pay you no attention. You throw a hissy fit for all the things you think people are doing wrong.

But what are you doing wrong?

But let me give you a mirror real quick.

Do you pay people attention at all?

How’s your level of tolerance and height of humility?

Do you go out of your way to give people a listening ear?

Are you always slamming and shaming people?

What do you normally talk about- just yourself?

How loud is your negativity?

Do you show interest in other people at all and their work?

How’s your level of activity?

Do you have an open mind or is it your way or the high way?

Do you lift people up?

If you have no time for people, they have no time for you either.

I have seen people take over timelines with the utmost arrogance and an inconsiderate flare of tactlessness when they have something new that they need people to pay attention to. They expect people to drop everything they’re doing and support them.

You post a picture and expects the whole world to be shook.

Why sir? Why ma’am?

Do you take time to visit other profiles and show interest? Like a picture or two, throw a comment or two?

See, you flooding my timeline or sending numerous messages asking for attention will never gain you a genuine and long lasting support.

Such confidence is illegal my friend.

You cannot force people to be interested in you, you have to earn it. You have to show them that you’re worth their time.

Where were you when they needed a like to round it up to a nice 11? Where were you when they needed a share, a pair of reading eyes or a comment?

If you want to be interesting, there’s only one way out…

Focus on being interested rather than being interesting.

In life, it’s not always about you.

Pay attention to people. Listen. Read. Comment. Ask genuine questions and participate. Go out of your comfort zone and have an open mind. Wake up early. Show up. Make an effort. Dare to understand. Be present. Aim to be interesting. Congratulate people. Celebrate others. Check on them. Be curious. Follow up. Find a common ground. Be committed. Care. Show concern. Talk. Network and be sociable.

Successful business people know their audiences and they understand the importance of winning loyalties. Put more energy into understanding people and building relationships before polluting them.

No one likes the guy that pollutes.

This applies to everything in life, in you relationships, academic institutes, family, social life and daily life – be interested.

You cannot influence people you haven’t taken the time to know. It’s almost impossible.

If you pay attention, everyone is interesting. It is a common and shallow mistake to think you’re the most interesting person in the room when you haven’t heard the stories of others. You want others to always be stroking your ego and showing up for you but you make zero effort towards them.

C’mon now…That’s boring.

You cannot be giving people 30% and expect 110% in return. Who are you again?!

You don’t make the effort to congratulate others but you like to be celebrated. You do not accept others but you want to be accepted. You’re not respectful and considerate of others but you want to be respected. You don’t support others but like to be supported. You don’t talk to people but you want them to ask you questions.

Hmmm how’s that working for you?!

Look here…no one is scared of you.

Whatever you put out…you get in folds.

Be genuinely interested in others, make meaningful contribution and give quality time to others - watch how you’ll become an interesting personality- a person worth knowing.

Life is not always about you…step out of your comfort zone and burst out of your bubble. You’ll be surprised at what you will find.

Get out of your own way – don’t be the reason you struggle in this life.

Be voraciously interested in life and people…you’ll in no time be the person everyone wants to know.

It’s a skill, acquire it.

We never stop learning...right?

Till then

Xoxo

The Almost Lover

Be mindful of the almost lover!

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He will put a smile on your face because he knows all your favourite things. He will come into your life, read the rules so he can break them and you won’t even know it.

He will give you uncontrollable laughter and moments that will have you smiling in public like a Cheshire cat and in your silent moments like a village idiot.

But he’s just an almost lover.

He is a dream, the dream. But do not forget nightmares are dreams too.

He will say the right things but listen carefully because he will make no promises. His language will be casual just like what he is offering. He will be fluent in almosts.

He will be around but never around, pay attention. He will do the right things but just enough for him to keep you around. He likes having you around but never in. He thrives in almosts and his whole vibe is poison. That type our grandmothers warned us against and our mothers prayed against.

He will do just what will have you thinking you have a good one. Sister, you have nothing.

He will get you twisted into giving your all while he gets away with giving back so little. He will be committed but he can never claim you.

He enjoys the benefits of a relationship but doesn’t want to be in one. He will play house and play the part well. He is the busy guy that is full of excuses but when he is around, he is full of cloud nine feels.

He thinks he is God’s gift to humanity and will make you feel like you’re lucky to have him. He will set the boundaries and he will make the rules. He will want you.

But just because he wants you doesn’t mean he values you. At least not enough to call you his.

At least not enough...

He is the innocent looking guy, the devil in a blue suit, he is the disguise and the exact shade of wrong. He knows God and will have you thinking all sorts. He is a bag of illusion and a seller of dreams. He is Mr tall dark and handsome.

He will be everything you’ve ever wished for. He is capable of loving but he will not love you...he is just an almost lover.

He will show you that he cares but never enough to show that he loves you. He is crafty and clever, he will say so little with so much and your mind will play tricks on you.

And when you think you’re about to hit the next level, he subtly reminds you of the boundaries of what you are and what you’re not without saying a word.

The almost lover is not deceitful and tell no lies, he plays with your emotions and toys with your mind. He gives feels and leaves you in a shitload of assumptions. He is the type to tell you the grass is pink and you won’t even question it.

See… he tells you and you believe because common sense is gone. The ability to question what he offers and what he says is missing. Because he sold you a dream and you were a willing buyer.

We all know the grass is not pink and will never be pink…but you believed. He is not the problem. You are the problem.

He is just an almost lover.

Again, he makes the rules and lays the boundaries. He will act the part but never be the actual. He is Mr almost, the actor who specialises in confusion. If you let him, he’ll leave you confused and discombobulated.

Don’t fall for it. Run!

And if you have to ask him what are we...you’re actually nothing. Don’t wait around for him to decide if he wants you in his life or not. Don’t hang on to every crumb he’s feeding at the dinner table...get up from the table when you have that gut feeling that love is no longer in the menu.

Don’t allow fear to hold you back.

You might want to be angry and annoyed and disgusted with Mr almost lover but you shouldn’t be. He is not the problem.

You Allowed Him...You weren't naive,
He was just good at what he does.

I am going to be really harsh and say be angry and annoyed with yourself. You allowed him. You let him into your life. He overstayed. Took what he shouldn’t be taking and claimed things he wasn’t entitled to. You let him stay for so long. You let him break pieces in your house. You allowed him in and bought all the dreams that he sold so well.

See, he is a seller and will sell to any willing buyer. Unfortunately, you were one.

You weren’t naïve. He was just good at what he does which is being Mr Almost Lover.

He is the almost lover but you allowed him to be Mr almost lover in YOUR life. Everything he got away with, you let him.

You let him…hoping Mr almost lover would change to the one.

Ask questions…like heck ask them! Use your outdoor voice and demand what you want. If you’re unhappy about something, speak up. Don’t shrink yourself in the name of love. It is always better to know the truth than to swim in a lake of assumptions and dwell in a fool’s paradise pretending to be happy.

He likes you, he likes you a lot and might even be missing you but not enough to call you his woman. He will never choose you and you will never be a priority in his life. When he talks about the things he loves, he will never mention you and when he speaks of his future your name doesn’t come up.

It’s not there, was never there. You can’t make someone meet you at the bridge. You can give him the best directions, you can even hold his hands there but you can’t make him stay.

He is full of feels and tastes of what you can get but will never get with him. He is so honest it hurts and that was the problem. If he is honest enough to let you know what it is, why can’t you be good to yourself and honest with him and let him know how you feel instead of building a castle in a fool’s paradise?

Don’t lose yourself in the process of finding someone. You are magnificent and you are enough. You are someone’s answered prayers but the wrong focus can divert you from the right people and the right things.

If he doesn’t choose you, I want you to choose yourself and walk away. It is only the end of the world when you refuse to choose You.

You are worthy, worthy of a love that will stay. You deserve way more than Mr Almost Lover.

Life is short so fill it with people that want to stay with you. People that adores you and things that make you happy. Be courageous and start again if you must but at your own pace.

He is Mr Almost lover and that is his deficiency. His inability to love you wholly should never taint your crown. Or have you question yourself.

You have a lot of love to give but don’t waste it on the wrong person. You deserve a love that will claim you, want you and choose you.

You deserve a love that you don’t have to question. You deserve a love that will say yes to you each day without hesitation. A love that screams yes and not spills maybes. A love that will know what they have when they have you. That God kind.

It’s out there, do not settle for crumbs!

Till then

xoxo

Defining success….on your own terms

Create Your Own Wave

Relax

You’re doing fine. You’re doing great and you’re going to be alright.

Its baby steps till you get to where you’re meant to be. It’s one day at a time till you achieve that which you set out to achieve.

The definition of success have been shoved and pushed down our throats to the point that we think success has a universal face. No it doesn’t.

We’ve sized up success to be this one size fits all garment. Wear. Just wear, it will suit you. Perfectly. Take the universal umbrella and run with it!

Save your strength and stop!

Are you going to allow society to define success for you?

Are you going to be blinded by society’s standards of success?

Are you going to be burdened and amputated by the expectations of society?

Are you going to be lowered, reduced and dragged around by the success you see and read about daily?

Depressed and worried that you’re not doing enough. Sick and tired of the pace at which you’re progressing. Beating yourself up daily because you fail to measure up to the universal gauge of success.

So we live in fear and depression of not measuring up to what society deems as success.

It could all be so easy but we as humans are always looking for a map, some sort of guidelines, life manual or a list. Stop killing yourself slowly. Were you born with instructions?

Free your potential.

You must first understand and identify what is success to you. If you don’t know then you’ll be easily pushed around by the expectations of everyone else.

Walk in your own lane. Pave your own path at your own pace. Be prayerful and commit every move into God’s hands. Be proud of your littlest accomplishments. Celebrate every little achievement. Recognise your strength. Work on your shortcomings. Do not champion your weaknesses. Acknowledge your efforts and when you fail do not stop. Take a rest and try again.

Never push yourself to exhaustion. Amidst all your hard work, make sure you protect your happy.

Mama has spoken...Major Key!

If you gain the world and it can’t even put a smile on your face then you my friend is not succeeding.

If by any chance the only mountain you were able to move was you getting out of bed, so be it. Some days everything will go wrong, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Understand that you cannot give more than what is in you so always protect your well-being. And at the end after you’ve given your 100 and that extra 10%, sleep with satisfaction for you have done your best and remember your best is always good enough.

You fail at a task so what? Pick yourself up and try again. Most successes today were built on roadblocks of failures. Today they have a story, a story that inspires.

I encourage you to build yours….even if it’s one that everyone laughs at today at least it’s your story.

Don’t be distracted by the next man’s success. Don’t be jealous. You do not know how much they’ve prayed. My friend once tweeted that prayer is free…and indeed it is. So stay prayed up.

Avoid comparison for it is the greatest thief of time. Avoid looking back. Understand that you are in a competition with no one but the person you were yesterday.

Don’t allow anyone to scare you. Don’t allow fear to inhibit your potential. You have everything you need to succeed in you. Remember the grace of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot protect you.

Focus!

How Many People Have You Helped?

There is no universal definition for success and success does not have a face, tone or shape. Success does not come in this glamorous package either. Success is not one size fits all.

Success is more an internal affair than external. You find it within first.

Personally money and wealth makes a fine pillow and offers a comfortable ride in this thing called life but they don’t count as success for me.

I know a lot of wealthy people who are not successful at life. Funny right? Well its possible and its sad so don’t let that be you.

Do you want to know what success is to me?

Here we go…

Success in my life is good health, happiness and love of family. Success is me able to hear the voice of my grandmother and loved ones. Success in my life is being able to do the little but significant things for myself. Success is being able to see the sunrise, watch the sunset and being able to hear the pitter patter of the rain drops. Success is being able to hear my niece and nephews saying I love you Aunt Doris. Success is coming home to peace and quiet and the smell of my dinner from last night. Success is me coiled up on my sofa with my laptop on my lap and television on my favorite channel. Success is me lying on my bed listening to my favorite songs. Success is me having the strength to praise God, my maker. Success is me being able to inspire you by my ordinary, mundane and rather boring life.

For me it is my truth, it is raw and unedited and it is genuine. It requires no approval and I do not need to paint it to make it look like yours. I don’t need to deceive you into thinking my life is perfect and I succeed in all my endeavors.

I fail sometimes. I cry too and I have bad days ever so often. Just like everyone else.

Whether you choose to interpret my idea of success as ordinary, boring or exciting and crazy that is entirely up to you and I respect it.

You know why?

Because your definition of success does not have to be packaged the same way mine is and that my friend is the beauty of success.

Not all of us were born to conquer the world and make significant difference in a big, loud and massive way. Some of us were put on this earth to make the most significant difference in the most subtle manner.

You can succeed in farming, you can also be a success in politics, you can succeed in construction and you can be a success in teaching. You can be a success in mothering.

Whatever success is to you, embrace it unapologetically and be that!

You have your definition of success. Stick to it and work on it.

No one can tell you what success is to you but you. Unless they know what your capabilities, needs, weaknesses and strength are, then they can’t tell you nothing. Stay away from they and idle chatter and construct your own path towards success.

Define success on your own terms and package it the way you want to. Wrap it up how you’d like to see it and appreciate it for what it is.

It is your journey and it is your life. Ride it like its golden.

Remember a major part of being a success is maintaining your happy.

Till then

Xoxo