The Greatest Lie She’s Ever Had to Tell...

How did she even get here?!

The first of January 2019 – The night that changed everything.

Nights were filled with clouds of sadness and air of despair.

No sleep!

She loathed sadness but these days, sadness seemed to be the only emotion that keeps lurking.

The days were long and agonising. Filled with fears and uncontrollable tears.

Fear? This was uncommon ground for her and this left her uneasy.

Slowly and slowly, in her brokenness, she succumbed. She embraced all of what pain and sadness had to offer as she learnt that this was not going away anytime soon.

Life took all her options away and Life changed in a twinkle of an eye.

She was offered lemons in exchange for her cherries. They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade but her lemonade was undrinkable, indigestible and rancorous.

Waking up was a task, talking about it brings floods of tears and life itself became a very dark room.

Curtains closed, all curled up in a foetal position, her mouth trembled trying to string a prayer together as the constant beeping of the iPhone becomes an irritable sound she lives to despise.

She had questions. She had many unanswered questions.

Why her, why now, why hers and simply why. She dwelled and dwelled.

She drank subconsciously from a cocktail of emotions and feelings that she didn’t know how to manage. Because of that, they got the better of her.

Everything was a trigger. A happy family, her favourite food, stop crying, a prayer, her bedroom, her racks of collectible trainers, it’ll get better, happy siblings…every single thing became a trigger.

She wasn’t bitter, she wasn’t jealous…she was just in pain. A pain that she couldn’t feel but she must endure. A pain that had no antidote but she must endure. A pain that that comes in flood in the mornings, when she’s in the middle of something or when she was doing the most mundane tasks.

She was a woman in pain. A pain you can’t possibly explain to another. A pain that requires courage and tenacity but sends hard blows and no matter how much the next person was feeling for you, they can’t take an ounce of it away.

Holding on to Memories...

A pain that she must endure. But first, it consumed her. Her whole being. Her life!

She felt trapped and annihilated. Helpless! Simple tasks required insurmountable strength.

And when she was asked how you are.

She mustered up strength from where she didn’t know it existed. She wiped her tears. Bandaged her wounds and put on the mask.

And with a deceitful tongue and a plastic smile.

With a redundant and aptly disguised expression.

And a heavy shoulder and a burdened soul.

Locked in with sad eyes and a well-rehearsed lie,

Her lips curve in unison.

As she sinfully says it one more time, like every other time.

‘‘I’m Okay’’

I’m Okay was the greatest lie she’s ever had to tell.

And still telling…

It was an easy escape….still is.

Its fobs people off and it’s easier to explain.

It is dismissive and it fends off a helping hand.

It stops the questions and eases the triggers.

It prevented her from talking about her loss and actual state of being.

It prevented strangers from preying in her untouched territory. 

Grounds that she has yet to explore.

I’m Okay tucks her reality neatly away.

It was her coping mechanism.

Less preying questions to awaken a hurtful reality.

Or discuss something she was fighting so hard to not deal with.

It was a very strong fence.

I’m Okay... was her greatest lie. An uncomfortable place to hide.

It used to be a familiar place and a place she once used to live. But that time, she was Okay and that was her reality. Now… not so much.

At this present time in her life, this very moment.

This is the greatest lie she has to tell.

As inquiring minds press on and ask ‘’Are you sure’’

She will steadfastly repeat…‘’I’m Okay’’

A Void...The Void!

In her numbness, she realised that happiness can be faked but Joy is internal and that she was lacking. She learnt that joy can never be attained when the soul is not at rest. It can never be experienced when there is a void within. The void was now occupied with this pain she can’t explain.

But she can fake her happy so she continued to do just that.

All this while, she was breaking inside. She was a broken woman screaming for the pain to go. Praying for someone to wake her up from her nightmare. Hoping for the pain to go away.

That pain built a home in her chest and stole her life. The same pain pulled her apart in tiny different pieces and tested everything she believed in.….prayers, family, friends!

Everything!

That pain was hell-bent on destroying her and combined with her greatest lie well encompassed, she became a mighty fine candidate for destruction.

When everything inside her will be screaming, her pain demanded to be felt. It was going nowhere and demanded to be dealt with but she was too weak with not a fight left in her. She bandaged some more.

She became numb and realised that this pain was here to stay.

And in this fragile moment, she leant her greatest lesson.

Pain demands to be felt in all its intensity and frequency. It demands to be endured. Pain is here to teach us and it will not go until we’ve learnt. Even after we have taken the lesson, the pain lingers. With another chance in life, we live and learn to smile through the storm even with tears in our eyes.

It’s so easy to say I’m okay but that does nothing for the healing we so indirectly seek. The fake smile coupled with all the disguises make a great concoction of foolery but in the grand scheme of things, we are just prolonging our pains, telling people what they want to hear while we have a thunder boiling inside and a volcano waiting to explode.

A melting pot of emotional disaster she became …in a twinkle of an eye.

How quickly life changes.

She was tired. And just wanted to come up for a breath of fresh air.

To her, it wasn’t just a lie. It was more than an untruthful confession.

It was her affirmation to herself that one day,

Without knowing how, when and where…

One day she was going to be ok.

Okay with this pain.

And that greatest lie will cease to be her greatest lie.

Her greatest lie will go on to become her truth!

A truth she has fought so hard for.

A truth she worked so hard to uncover and reveal in a shiny unveiling.

A truth that will become her very own truth.

I’m okay, I’m not where I hoped to be…

I’m just okay.

And with every passing day, she grew to be okay in her own Okay!

To make peace with things that were out of her control and focus on the choices life now offers.

And for now, that was enough.

But the most intriguing question lingered…

Will she ever be truly OKAY again?

The Chaos in Her...

Sometimes the chaos in her still wonders.

The Girl with the Muted Elegance.

Girl I see you.

I see you struggling with your emotions. I see you behind that pretty I’m-Okay mask and behind that beautiful smile I see that teary eye.

Behind The Mask...

From a distance I sense your pain and your wavering self-esteem. I see you battle to get through the day and I see you play the happy girl.

I see you girl…I see you and I respect your strength.

I see you using social media as your therapist. And leaning on those likes and comments for validation. Girl I see you. I see you trying to find yourself through people and but all I really see is you getting lost in them.

I see how you diligently make Facebook your journal. But again I see a beautiful girl misplaced looking for answers in all the wrong places… I see a girl with endless capabilities.

I see your distracting mechanism. I see you snap at every little thing because you’re at your wits’ end. Take life off girl and rest.

I see you but I am not here to judge you. Heck I can’t judge you and I will never will be qualified to Judge you.

Girl I see you because I have been there. I was once that girl. I was that lost little girl.

But I am here to tell you that it’s going to be okay. All will be well and all will be well.

I was able to see you because we are one of the same. I like weird and awkward people. I like the rejects and I like the six fingers and the odd ducks. I like the misunderstood and I like the lost and broken. I like the loners, the one strand of grey hair and the underdog. I like the girl with scars and above all I love the girl with the muted elegance.

You know why? Because I am all of those.

It is perfectly okay to be vulnerable because vulnerability is transparency. It is okay to cry. I cry too. It is okay to not have it all together because that is the beautiful thing about life…none of us have life on a lockdown. We’re all trying to figure it out. One mistake at a time.

We're All Trying To Figure it Out

Stop beating yourself up. Stop walking on egg shells. Stop wallowing in self-pity and sadness. Stop. Stop being unkind to yourself. There’s insurmountable power in self-acceptance. Love yourself a little bit more…just a little bit more. Enough to not doubt yourself when you slip and fall.

You may never be enough in the eyes of some people and you may never be that girl but remember you’re not here to fit into a box. Look in the mirror and when you do, look into your eyes and there you will see the beauty that lies within.

Forget what you’ve heard. Forget what they’ve told you but more importantly recognise what you see.

Girl I can see the beauty. I can see the potential and I can see your greatness but it hurts me more to watch you whittle away…one Facebook status at a time.

So what… you failed at your relationship or you failed at being the super girlfriend. Or you failed at being the doting daughter or maybe those grades didn’t add up? So what? So what you failed at your job…so what?!

No experience is wasted. And don’t build a mansion on Regret Street.

Failure is information. Struggle is redirection. Ride your Journey.

When the lights go off, speak to that dark moment and ask it what are you here to teach me? Because believe me…every set back comes with a message. Listen up. Listen up girl.

Find yourself in your quiet moment. This can’t be done on Facebook. It can’t be done on twitter or snapchat. Social media is not your therapist. Believe me when I say out of the same mouth that releases praises…from there comes the harsh criticisms. People are trolling on social media looking for entertainment with a handful of popcorn and cola on the other hand.

Screenshots flying from one WhatsApp forum to the other. Your struggle becomes their tea and your life’s fight becomes their bedtime story. The truth is, if you put it out there for all to see, don’t be mad when you become the tea of the day. Don’t make yourself a victim.

Are you going to keep running to Facebook when things go wrong? I would love to promise you sunshine all year but that's not going to happen, there are going to be rainy days.. because that is life.

As a young girl I want you to own a journal. Pen down every challenging moment. And when you feel the urge to update your social media run to your journal…pen it down. When you feel the urge for validation, pray, pick up that pen and Journal and start writing.

Get A Journal

You'll Thank Me Later

When it gets too much, don’t be afraid to cry and above all remember there’s a God waiting on you to call on him. Man is fickle but God’s love is unwavering.

It works wonder. I assure you…that pen and journal will never judge you neither will God because he is not here for the righteous.

To the girl with the muted elegance…I challenge you to:

Learn to be alone. Enjoy your own company. Respect yourself and be kind to yourself. Speak positivity into your being and be true to yourself. Unapologetically ride your wave. Celebrate yourself. Stay prayed up.

Don’t try to figure it all in a day. Drink a lot of water. Life happens one day at a time.

You've Got This!

Our darkest moments lead us to a new passion and love for life. Wait on it.

And after it all, I hope you come out screaming. I hope you unmute your elegance. I’m here waiting…waiting to see you be the girl who will inspire other girls to use their voice.

I am waiting…patiently because I believe you’re going to come out of this stronger and wiser.

I want to see you be that girl. That Young girl who can do all things.

You'll Find A Way

Remember there’s nothing to prove to anyone. Live with an unmuted elegance and love yourself for the beautiful ambiguity that you are.

Allow Him

From the girl that cares…

From a distance.

With Love

Till Then

Xoxo

My True Warriors and Fighters...

Living with sickle cell…

It might not be labelled cancer. It might not be diabetes but it is a disease. It is affecting people, young lives and it’s a struggle living with it.

It is Sickle Cell Anaemia.

Be Enlightened

Personally I think you haven’t met with pain till you’ve suffered from sickle cell and you lay there helplessly with not a drug in sight strong enough to cure or ease your pain.

Have you ever woken up and your biggest decision of the day is whether you want to continue living or not because your pain is so unbearable and you do not wish to prolong your sufferings anymore?

Be In The Know...

 Have you gone to bed well and healthy only to wake up few hours later with the most excruciating pain ever throbbing and gnawing at every organs in your being?

How many times have you asked God to take your life because your hope and faith ran short? You light at the end of the tunnel wouldn’t come on? Or you just feel there’s nothing left to live for? How many times?

Try and Understand

Have you laid in hospital bed for weeks, in pain, life at a standstill, crying nonstop as pain slowly gobbles you away?

Ever made plans, packed your bag, called your friends, bought your tickets and all but you couldn’t make it because you went into crisis few hours before your flight and ended up at the hospital?!

Ever woke up and even to dial an ambulance becomes an impossible task because you’re in so much pain and you can’t move, not even a finger?

Did You Know...

Jourdan Dunn's Son Riley Battles with Sickle Cell too?

Ever seen tears in your mother’s eye because she can’t ease your pain and the only thing left for her to do is to sit and blame herself tirelessly as you wail helplessly in intense aches and pain?

You go through one blood transfusion after another and the back of your hand is full of scars from countless needle drills from nurses and doctors trying to find your veins.

You have to watch the type of activities you participate in constantly, watch what you eat and you don’t dare miss a day of your penicillin and folic acid.

Did You Know?
Larenz Tate battles With Sickle Cell Too

Your life is no longer yours, well if you’re brave enough… you screw the odds and dare to have a life!

In severe pain, you crawl to the door because you live alone and you need to let the paramedics in. Do you understand that level of pain?

You walk into gathering and you have people asking you why your eyes are yellow? It gets tiring and exhausting.

You’re looked upon as an invalid and a disabled person to the point where everyone worries about you standing for a long time or not dressing warm enough in the cold or even not eating right or simple thing as not drinking enough water.

Sarah Stevens
A Soldier...a Fighter...a Survivor!

Have you tried saying the Lord’s Prayer and you totally forgot how to? A prayer you learnt since you were 7 but in time of distress and pain you can’t even remember how to say the first few lines so you ask your teary-eyed mum by your bedside to do it for you. Yea imagine that.

Does the mention of word spleen scares the shit out of you? Well to me it does.

 

It Sure Does...

Your handbag, purses and wallets looks and smells like a walking pharmacy because you don’t know when next that cruel pain will make a comeback. You never really know and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes we suffer stunted growth, big protruding stomach and constant loss of weight but you don’t understand and you will want to ask me why am I so skinny or if I’m pregnant or where does all my food goes. Stop!

You have to tell your university or work place that you have been admitted….again and again and again and most of the time no one believes you. You’re on your own. Exhausting!

Manty Marah
A Soldier. A Survivor

Some days I will chose to act like a soldier and drag myself out of bed only for you to see me and assume I am lazy or I do not have a care in the world. You look at my life and made your judgements. Walk in my shoes please and tell me how that feels.

What do you know about morphine and painkillers? We know all the names and their after and side effects. Yes a sickle cell patient lives on painkillers.

Francis Davies

A Fighter. A survivor

You look in the mirror sometimes and all you see is sickle cell stealing the melody from your life and you’re wondering when the music is going to stop. Washing away your sense of accomplishments… One raging pain at a time.

A Fighter and a Survivor!

You just have to be a soldier for yourself. One strong, hopeful soldier.

You walk into your local hospital and the doctors and nurses know you by name, even the cleaners and chefs know your specialties. Hospital is not home and no one should be that frequent there.

Some days you wake up and you’re fit for nothing. You’re not ready for the world because your breathing is not right, or your ankle hurts so bad you can’t walk, or sometimes you’re tired, just really really tired but you won’t understand.

You watch your peers drop dead, one after the other and you’re thinking, am I next?

You can’t live like everyone else, there is a limit to what you can do, the distance you can walk and the places you can go and how many kids you can have. Your existence is practically limited.

N'mama Dao
A Fighter. A Survivor

Pray it’s not the two of you with the disease in the same family because then you have to watch the other in pain and guess what You can’t do anything to help them and the worst part is you knowing the severity of the pain she’s going because you’ve been there. A mother’s tragedy.

Woe betide you fall in love with someone who has sickle cell. Then you have the heart throbbing decision of whether you chose to be in love and have no kids or break up and find someone else.

It doesn’t end there, you have to deal with people who do not have a clue what sickle cell anaemia is so they think it’s contagious. They keep away from you and treat you different.

You have employers who think Sickle cell anaemia automatically renders you unreliable therefore you become unemployable…you’re already at a disadvantage in life because of something that you didn’t chose, something you have no say in, something that was genetically imposed on you.

But most time we don’t complain, we go on steadily, fighting every pain and beating every symptoms because we know that is our life now. We learn to live with it and manage it. Most people do not understand what it takes for a sickle cell patient to go through each day.  Most people do not understand and frankly I do not blame them. Much attention is not given to sickle cell patients, neither is much sensitization given.

A Disease Known Is Half Cured

You fight for each day and each hour of your life because you never know when the next crisis (sickle cell pain) will hit you. But no one understands.

This is not a pity party. We are not crying for help. We do not want you to feel sorry for us. We are not asking for your tears. We want you to understand, we want you to be considerate. We want you to be enlightened.

Be nice. Play nice. Life is hard already, we do not need anyone to make it harder.

Personally I have the utmost respect for every sickle cell patient out there. You’re a soldier. You’re fighter. I know what it means to get up and find meaning in each passing day. Keep going and screw the odds.

Inonu Khyne-Sam
A Living Testimony. A Survivor. A Fighter

Even if we have to do this daily, we will because it is our life and we have accepted it. No cure but with the help of God, we are managing just fine.

We are going to be just fine

And when you feel the storms of life assails remember, God never gives you a load that you can’t bear.

Again I say…this is not a pity party!

With this, i'll like to say thanks and express gratitude to all the people helping us, from the doctors to the hospital chefs, from our parents to relatives, to our friends and to every passing stranger who have rendered help.

We say thank you and we do not take you for granted.

I Salute Each And Everyone Of You Warriors.

Continue The Good Fight Of Faith!

... and to the beautiful souls we've lost, May your gentle souls rest in perfect peace. 

Till then 

Xoxo

Phenomenal Woman - Dr Maya Angelou

She taught me strength. She taught me forgiveness. She taught me the balance between being a strong and approachable woman and not coming across too strong and unapproachable. (Still struggling with that by the way) She taught me the fight. She taught me to look for the good in people, regardless. She taught me confidence and how to love my body. She taught me to do more than just exist but to live life. Her work taught me life lessons and the essence of inspiring others with the little instilled in me.

Dr Maya Angelou
 Phenomenal Woman

She was an icon to me and will always be. I don’t really admire that much people but MAYA ANGELOU was one phenomenal lady I admire the most. I don’t think I’ll find anyone else like her; no she’s incomparable in my books.

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

~Maya Angelou

The beauty of it was that I actually discovered her all by myself through my burning passion for written words and poetry. Her work inspires me, it brings out some kind of consciousness I never knew I had.

If you read her work, you will know she was a fighter, a lover, a lady. You can actually tell that she knew who she was and wasn’t ashamed of her truth. She mastered the fine balance between being a lady and that i-will-kick-you-in-the-balls if you mess with me kinda girl. I loved her work long before i actually knew who this Phenomenal lady was.

Style and Grace

Sometimes i feel like death cheats us in the most unfair way. I feel like death always misses the target. I just feel like death succeeded in cheating a lot of us this time. Maya Angelou living a few more fruitful years, spilling fruitful words of wisdom and consciousness wouldnt have hurt nobody.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

~Maya Angelou

She has gone to a better place I am sure but her legacy will live on forever. Her work is timeless. Her influence on me and so many other people will remain forever. It helped shaped a lot of us, either consciously or unconsciously and for that reason, I am grateful. She taught us that every story was worth telling and the best thing you can ever do to yourself is to forgive yourself.

Love this pic of her - Authenticity Certified!

She lived a fruitful and fulfilled life; Maya Angelou was well known and respected even by well-known figures in the world. She instilled morals in both the young and old unknowingly. Timeless inspiration.

She Gave Hope In Love

Some people only get recognised in death but I am happy such an inspiration was recognised from when she was alive.  Not many people get that chance. She was many things, and I know a lot of people can relate, if she wasn’t the educator to you, then she was maybe a poet, or a teacher or the activist but one way or the other she gave her audience a voice. To me she was a poet and a teacher.

''.....at the heart of her,she was a teacher''

In the words of Oprah ‘’The world knows her as a poet but at the heart of her, she was a teacher’’ I cannot agree more. I learned a lot from her more than I have in any celebrities out there. She is in a league of her own; not only for her works but for the way she carried herself. Her works speaks very loud to a wide range of people but the way she carried herself spoke even louder. I have never heard, seen or read any scandalous news about this lady. She lived her work.

I call her ''my fav girl’’ and She taught me that I am a phenomenal woman.

My Fav Girl

On Thursday 28^th May 2014 at 8am, the mentor, the teacher, the historian, the activist, the poet, the lover, the fighter, the actress, the educator, the artist Dr Maya Angelou passed away.

May her soul rest in perfect peace.

A Timeless Inspiration

''Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud''

~Maya Angelou

Till next time

Xoxo