When The Going Gets Tough – You’re Gifted with a New Pair of Lenses!

2019...Still feels like a movie. 

A bad dream and a nightmare.

It feels like sadness, smells like sorrows and pains like pain.

It’s full of lessons, major reflective moments and a constant instant rush of utter disbelief and surrealism.

It’s been only a couple of months but something tells me this pain is here to stay, to build a room, an empire and to make a home.

The story remains but the lessons…

Still Connected By The Heart

 
·        Bereavement, grief and the loss of a loved one will test everything and everyone around you…family, relationships, friendships, your faith, your willingness to trust life one more time, your strength in rising after a fall and your courage to be vulnerable. Your power to heal and willpower to open up to your new life. Because I tell you, your life will change. Losing a loved one is Life Changing!

It will test everything you believe in. But it will give you a fresh perspective on life and a new pair of lenses to view life from.

·        Family is nothing but a title. A neat little ribbon on a rather somewhat package that you have to give meaning to for yourself. Family is not always bound by blood. Family is a title you give to your tribe. Don’t waste precious time on the package you were programmed to believe is family, be more concerned about who you choose to label as family.

·        The party bus gets lit, it is full and everyone is on board but when the going gets tough and the tough gets going, the bus gets empty and you can hear a pin drop. In this disparagement, only then you’ll find your true tribe. When you do, don’t take them for granted.

·        Good friends are important, they’re like warm coats on a cold winter’s night, they’re a cosy hug and they’re like the feel of a comfortable bra – they go on to make a dependable tribe and when you’re suffering a great loss you need people around you.

·        If you can’t cry with them, don’t laugh with them and don’t dance with them either. I have encountered people who I partied hard with in the past but couldn’t send through a condolence message.

·        ‘’Na for bear’’ ‘’It is well’’ aren’t consoling no matter what you might think. People rush to these two phrases for the lack of better words, I understand but sometimes the less you say the better.
A warm hug and kind eyes will suffice.

·        The world doesn’t stop just because yours cease to exist. With tears in your eyes, the world continues to go on, people get married, give birth, and get promotions, smile, and laugh – even when your world is crumbling. This will be one of the toughest things to handle, my advice – disconnect and give your grief your full attention.

·        ‘’Time heals all’’ Bullshit! What a load of bull crap. What a convenient escape for someone lacking right words to say to you. What a dismissive old crooked adage. False hope laced with lies. What does it heal exactly?
·        People can feel when a hug, a kind word or an act of kindness is genuine. If your intention is simply to find out what killed my person, you are a wrong one. People will send a message like this ‘’sorry for your loss but can I just ask what happened to her?’’  You curious cats will not get a response from me. Take your condolences back and allow me to grieve in peace.

·        The intensity of the pain will never ease but the frequency of it will reduce. A piece of advice from a very wise friend. This I found to be true and somewhat comforting. Thank you Akiwumi!

·        There should be a tact to your empathy. Empathy is looking at how you can make that bereaved person’s life easier at their present state, it’s being thoughtful. It’s in your action, not your words. Do you know what I will never forget…?

A friend of mine came to my house the morning I lost my sister and he immediately went to my cousins and asked what food he can prepare for us. This wasn’t going to bring back my sister or make the pain any less but the bite is in the understanding that it’s like 5:30am and the last thing on our minds was cooking or eating or even preparing any kind of food. That is something I will never forget. Another friend came and said nothing but held both my hands and started praying with me. Another brother, brought Acheke – just to put a smile on my face, knowing I love our local cuisine.
When you feel stuck in dealing with the bereaved, less is more. Say less and show your sincere condolences in action. And this doesn’t have to be expensive, just make it genuine, if you can’t forget it.

·        Do not placard news of my bereaved person or their picture on any social platform without my consent in the frivolities of a best friend, main man, brother, sister, dancing partner…etc. – it is not your news to share and if you’re so close to my person as you claim, social media wouldn’t be your first stop. You’ll check to see how I’m doing, check if it’s okay to share MY news. Check if the family is Okay. This I find to be an inconsiderate act, mere selfishness, a tactless and distasteful display of messy!

·        Do not try to get into my pants while I have tears in my eyes. Where is the human in you? Who made you? No….who hurt you? You...my friend is a beautifully wrapped piece of shit! Taking advantage of the vulnerable is reckless.

·        There is no price for the first person who’s first to share a piece of bad news. Especially news that is not yours to share. Be human and for once don’t make it about you. I can assure you no matter how much of a loss you feel, it is nothing compared to the loss the family feels. So be respectful.

·        Your world will stop. Your sun will refuse to shine. You will be extremely vulnerable. You will cry in uncommon places. You will ask questions. You will get no answers. Life will become meaningless. You will cry in uncommon places. You will become depressed. You will cry as a family until you start crying individually in the hopes that this will speed the healing process. It won’t. And this is a very small portion of grieving.

·        ‘’How are you’’ – Oh I’m fantastic, can’t you see…I’m high on life right now…!!! Just don’t do it. Thinking of you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - is a better way of conveying your message.

·        I’m okay – this will become your coping mechanism because explaining yourself gets redundant and exhausting but more so because you have no label for the emotions locked up inside of you. Emotions that you get no control over, emotions that get released with or without your permission.

·        Bad things happen to good people. Shit happens. Life happens. You can do things by the books and stay within the script but that is still not a blanket from life’s hailstones.No one is exempted from its hit!

·        It is never a competition ‘’oh I lost my great grandfather and my cat too on holiday a few weeks ago.’’ or ‘’ my friend’s sister died too’’ Really? Are we comparing deaths and tragedies now? I can gladly do without the tragic loss of my younger sister and your attempt at ‘’Misery loves company’’ is terrible and the timing is off. And it is not helping.

·        You cannot teach people how to grieve for you and with you. People handle grief in different ways. They might seem to go on with life as normal but you’re not there when the shutters are down. You cannot command people to grieve with you on your terms. You cannot command people to grief for on-demand. No one owes you their grief and certainly not their sadness. Let’s all grow up.

·        Moving on is not a betrayal to your deceased person. In between your grief, you will find moments when you can smile or even share a laugh. You will learn to live again, without them. Life can be a tough gig.

What I have learnt so far is the importance of holding on to the love and the memories shared while they were alive. The pictures, the voice notes, the videos or their favourite phases.

Never be Too Grown to
Make Beautiful Memories

It is important to understand that some things cannot be fixed, made whole again or mended…..once broken. Some pain cannot be cheered out of or shaken off.

You can never explain it enough, no matter how articulate you are. Some things, like grief, can only be carried –

You have to go through it to get to that space of acceptance.

But whatever you do, do not allow Grief to hold you hostage. Because it easily can.

And that is just the tip of an iceberg of what the loss of a loved one feels like.

Your pain is valid and the lessons…they stay!

Grief Can Only Be Carried

 
 
 
 
              
 

The Greatest Lie She’s Ever Had to Tell...

How did she even get here?!

The first of January 2019 – The night that changed everything.

Nights were filled with clouds of sadness and air of despair.

No sleep!

She loathed sadness but these days, sadness seemed to be the only emotion that keeps lurking.

The days were long and agonising. Filled with fears and uncontrollable tears.

Fear? This was uncommon ground for her and this left her uneasy.

Slowly and slowly, in her brokenness, she succumbed. She embraced all of what pain and sadness had to offer as she learnt that this was not going away anytime soon.

Life took all her options away and Life changed in a twinkle of an eye.

She was offered lemons in exchange for her cherries. They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade but her lemonade was undrinkable, indigestible and rancorous.

Waking up was a task, talking about it brings floods of tears and life itself became a very dark room.

Curtains closed, all curled up in a foetal position, her mouth trembled trying to string a prayer together as the constant beeping of the iPhone becomes an irritable sound she lives to despise.

She had questions. She had many unanswered questions.

Why her, why now, why hers and simply why. She dwelled and dwelled.

She drank subconsciously from a cocktail of emotions and feelings that she didn’t know how to manage. Because of that, they got the better of her.

Everything was a trigger. A happy family, her favourite food, stop crying, a prayer, her bedroom, her racks of collectible trainers, it’ll get better, happy siblings…every single thing became a trigger.

She wasn’t bitter, she wasn’t jealous…she was just in pain. A pain that she couldn’t feel but she must endure. A pain that had no antidote but she must endure. A pain that that comes in flood in the mornings, when she’s in the middle of something or when she was doing the most mundane tasks.

She was a woman in pain. A pain you can’t possibly explain to another. A pain that requires courage and tenacity but sends hard blows and no matter how much the next person was feeling for you, they can’t take an ounce of it away.

Holding on to Memories...

A pain that she must endure. But first, it consumed her. Her whole being. Her life!

She felt trapped and annihilated. Helpless! Simple tasks required insurmountable strength.

And when she was asked how you are.

She mustered up strength from where she didn’t know it existed. She wiped her tears. Bandaged her wounds and put on the mask.

And with a deceitful tongue and a plastic smile.

With a redundant and aptly disguised expression.

And a heavy shoulder and a burdened soul.

Locked in with sad eyes and a well-rehearsed lie,

Her lips curve in unison.

As she sinfully says it one more time, like every other time.

‘‘I’m Okay’’

I’m Okay was the greatest lie she’s ever had to tell.

And still telling…

It was an easy escape….still is.

Its fobs people off and it’s easier to explain.

It is dismissive and it fends off a helping hand.

It stops the questions and eases the triggers.

It prevented her from talking about her loss and actual state of being.

It prevented strangers from preying in her untouched territory. 

Grounds that she has yet to explore.

I’m Okay tucks her reality neatly away.

It was her coping mechanism.

Less preying questions to awaken a hurtful reality.

Or discuss something she was fighting so hard to not deal with.

It was a very strong fence.

I’m Okay... was her greatest lie. An uncomfortable place to hide.

It used to be a familiar place and a place she once used to live. But that time, she was Okay and that was her reality. Now… not so much.

At this present time in her life, this very moment.

This is the greatest lie she has to tell.

As inquiring minds press on and ask ‘’Are you sure’’

She will steadfastly repeat…‘’I’m Okay’’

A Void...The Void!

In her numbness, she realised that happiness can be faked but Joy is internal and that she was lacking. She learnt that joy can never be attained when the soul is not at rest. It can never be experienced when there is a void within. The void was now occupied with this pain she can’t explain.

But she can fake her happy so she continued to do just that.

All this while, she was breaking inside. She was a broken woman screaming for the pain to go. Praying for someone to wake her up from her nightmare. Hoping for the pain to go away.

That pain built a home in her chest and stole her life. The same pain pulled her apart in tiny different pieces and tested everything she believed in.….prayers, family, friends!

Everything!

That pain was hell-bent on destroying her and combined with her greatest lie well encompassed, she became a mighty fine candidate for destruction.

When everything inside her will be screaming, her pain demanded to be felt. It was going nowhere and demanded to be dealt with but she was too weak with not a fight left in her. She bandaged some more.

She became numb and realised that this pain was here to stay.

And in this fragile moment, she leant her greatest lesson.

Pain demands to be felt in all its intensity and frequency. It demands to be endured. Pain is here to teach us and it will not go until we’ve learnt. Even after we have taken the lesson, the pain lingers. With another chance in life, we live and learn to smile through the storm even with tears in our eyes.

It’s so easy to say I’m okay but that does nothing for the healing we so indirectly seek. The fake smile coupled with all the disguises make a great concoction of foolery but in the grand scheme of things, we are just prolonging our pains, telling people what they want to hear while we have a thunder boiling inside and a volcano waiting to explode.

A melting pot of emotional disaster she became …in a twinkle of an eye.

How quickly life changes.

She was tired. And just wanted to come up for a breath of fresh air.

To her, it wasn’t just a lie. It was more than an untruthful confession.

It was her affirmation to herself that one day,

Without knowing how, when and where…

One day she was going to be ok.

Okay with this pain.

And that greatest lie will cease to be her greatest lie.

Her greatest lie will go on to become her truth!

A truth she has fought so hard for.

A truth she worked so hard to uncover and reveal in a shiny unveiling.

A truth that will become her very own truth.

I’m okay, I’m not where I hoped to be…

I’m just okay.

And with every passing day, she grew to be okay in her own Okay!

To make peace with things that were out of her control and focus on the choices life now offers.

And for now, that was enough.

But the most intriguing question lingered…

Will she ever be truly OKAY again?

The Chaos in Her...

Sometimes the chaos in her still wonders.

What Africa never prepared me for…As I journeyed to the United Kingdom!

Well, quite a lot actually.

Thinking about it.

Natin, absolutely natin!

Sierra Leone didn't give me the memo to anything London related.

This was a new life. This was adaption 2.0

I was in limbo!

Upon arrival, I was lost. 

Sierra Leone was home, still home and my reality.

That was quickly altered or should I say edited.

Landed in the United Kingdom in the dead of winter and as that winter blizzard slapped me across the face, I promised myself that Sierra Leone will forever remain my reality –

My unedited reality.

I was a teenager, uprooted from everything I know. Separated from my friends and culture. Divided from everything I have ever known. Detached from my roots and planted into the unknown.

I had no choice but to blossom in the uncertainty in the midst of my formative years.

The great news was, I was joining my parents which makes the transition a bittersweet ordeal.

And it began…

Aeroplane ride was a delight. Loved the ride. I love heights and adventure so that experience which I have only before seen on telly is coming alive for me.

I was over the moon.

Can you blame an African child who’s never crossed the river?

Does the war count? Well even that I fled by car to Guinea with my brother, few cousins and grandmother, and aeroplane to The Gambia – the experience was non-existent in my memory, partly because I was young and partly due to all the chaos that surrounded it.

We landed safely in the United Kingdom.

Welled up with a mixture of fear, anxiety and joy, I didn't know what to expect.

My first real fear was the escalator…who made these moving monsters of a stair I thought to myself. Why so high and mighty…I am talking about the never-ending escalators at Gatwick. 

That’s no beginners’ affair.

I was terrified.

My younger teenage brother was more adventurous and before I could wink, he hopped on the escalator and shouted in the most exhilarating and ecstatic voice in our local parlance

‘’Na return ah day return, na ya me day. You na kam you kam’’

Pekin Noto Yase!

Wow…my first wave of embarrassment in London. This kid was unbelievable and utterly unfiltered.

This loud outburst commanded a few weird looks from strangers and onlookers but bless him.

The innocence of a child is bliss!

After his innocent outburst, I couldn’t help but laugh as I adjusted my shoes which now couldn’t fit because I had on my brother’s socks used as a double as my toes were numb and nipples hard as a softball.

I wasn’t doing too well with this transition thing.  Don’t think I’ve ever fully adjusted, even as I type this.

My brother, of course, landed safely at the other end of the escalator and was waving with so much pride and sense of achievement. I gave him a smile I mustered with all my strength amidst my fear at this point of never making it to the top of the escalator.

Bo na so London tan? Take me back bo. Ah beg, I’m sorry!

I was finally assisted by one of the guards at the airport…i made it people, I said I made it!

From my easy going life of simplicities and strings of Hakuna Matata to a swirl of what seemed like the Hunger Games.

Well damn!

No one told me London was going to be a series of hurdles for me to overcome.

Let’s face it if you have seen me in person I look like I can be blown away by the wind. I can barely walk in a straight line….I was never the sporty type!

And London was like…I got you! Ha!

At this very moment, my thoughts were…Doris, you’ve run out of options.

I was doomed! I could cry…

My mum and I locked eye.

When she saw me at first glance she screamed.

Not out of fear but disbelief as I looked so …so out of it.

I tell ya, I was losing it.

And it’s only been a couple of hours. Sierra Leone was sounding like a mighty fine option for me at this point.

Take me back...I thought to myself.

My mother grabbed me and took me into the bathroom, polished me and I came out looking like a fresh African Londoner. I even smelled like them.

This business was automatic.

I looked at myself in the mirror and I murmured …Presentable...I nodded to myself as I make my way out of the bathroom.

As we left the airport and happily skipped towards the carpark, I saw a gust of smoke escaped my mouth as I exhaled. I stopped talking and it escaped through my nostrils. I opened my mouth again, a bigger gust of cloud escaped.

This was no Cool Runnings but my oh my…it might as well be!

I had to ask. Why am I breathing smoke, to which my dad replied with the most annoying smirk, condensation but welcome to LONDON!

It was all a bit too much. What is this situation, I pondered.

Was it a cloud, steam, fog, vapour, frozen air?

I was looking like a winter dragon right about now. Huffing and puffing nuff cold steam.

I thought to myself, humans live in this condition. I had too many questions and was too embarrassed to ask.

I kept them in.

As we embarked on the long drive home from Gatwick airport, I noticed all the shades of greys. It was quiet, dark and gloomy.

And cold!

The roads were wider than my usual and cars smaller than my usual. The streets felt abandoned and only littered with car horns and blinding fog lights.

No humans. Just humans in cars.

I wasn’t ready. Na graveyard?

At this point I was thinking who have I offended in this life for me to deserve this?

The houses were like those in my storybook my parents used to send back home, but less colourful - all like miniature sized homes with similar characteristics.

Why are the houses so small? – I thought this was London, I thought hard to myself. Everything was supposed to be big and extravagant.

Bigger and better…

Well that was my perception anyway until my rude awakening.

I was baffled! I was swimming in trance…

I was wrong and looking at the sizes of the cars on the carefully paved roads  - I knew I was in for the shock of my life.

Please take me back! That unpaved road back in my country was all I could think of.

Yes to koto koto road.

I can endure that. Take me back!!

Back at the house, my mum had a rich and delicious spread of the most British palate, including fruits I’ve never seen and certainly didn’t know how to pronounce…whatever in the world was pomegranate? Why does it sound like a disease but looked like an oversized onion? (My hunger was screaming cassava leaves. It was a struggle)

Looking around my parents’ tiny abode, it was filled with so much love and joy. I suddenly realised we have been missing this for some time now.

My dad had the widest smile, my cousins intrigued and curious with a nervous anxiety, my grandmother elated, my sister silent in disbelief and I can just tell she was thinking ‘’why do I have to share space now with these two freshies, or maybe she was just pondering on her single child status being taken away…maybe just maybe she was equally intrigued and filled with questions.

She was both in shock and in silence.

From 32 degrees plus to minus 0

This cannot be real.

the only thing is....this was real, a bit too real for my liking.

I didn’t have nuts but they were definitely frozen by now!

The Story continues...

This is just the beginning.

''If You Want To Be Interesting, Be Interested''

I see the complaints. The forests and the shades. I read the hints and I sense the hurt. I hear the grunts and the moans. You’re fed up that your charm isn’t pulling the world towards you as it ought to. You’re doing all this because the world isn’t gravitating towards you as you think it should.

Ha!

But Guess what? Nothing works until you start to work.

Nothing will change until you start to make moves.

Nothing …absolutely nothing will change.

People out here do not owe you anything and neither does the world.

You owe everything to yourself.

Can I get real …real with you real quick?

Grow up!

One of my favourite quotes from Dale Carnegie.

‘‘If You Want To Be interesting,

 Be Interested!’’

There is nothing you’re doing that is so special that haven’t been done yet. There is nothing about you that will pull and gravitate the whole world towards if you’re not pulling your weight. You have to put in the work. Every single day. 

You have to make a conscious effort to show up!

Yes you’re special but honey…not that special.

Why would I leave someone who shows a genuine interest in me for someone who rests on their laurels and expect everything to come to them?

Why? Just why?

Let’s take this social media for example. You rant and rant that no one is liking your stuff or showing interest in your work. You throw tantrums that people pay you no attention. You throw a hissy fit for all the things you think people are doing wrong.

But what are you doing wrong?

But let me give you a mirror real quick.

Do you pay people attention at all?

How’s your level of tolerance and height of humility?

Do you go out of your way to give people a listening ear?

Are you always slamming and shaming people?

What do you normally talk about- just yourself?

How loud is your negativity?

Do you show interest in other people at all and their work?

How’s your level of activity?

Do you have an open mind or is it your way or the high way?

Do you lift people up?

If you have no time for people, they have no time for you either.

I have seen people take over timelines with the utmost arrogance and an inconsiderate flare of tactlessness when they have something new that they need people to pay attention to. They expect people to drop everything they’re doing and support them.

You post a picture and expects the whole world to be shook.

Why sir? Why ma’am?

Do you take time to visit other profiles and show interest? Like a picture or two, throw a comment or two?

See, you flooding my timeline or sending numerous messages asking for attention will never gain you a genuine and long lasting support.

Such confidence is illegal my friend.

You cannot force people to be interested in you, you have to earn it. You have to show them that you’re worth their time.

Where were you when they needed a like to round it up to a nice 11? Where were you when they needed a share, a pair of reading eyes or a comment?

If you want to be interesting, there’s only one way out…

Focus on being interested rather than being interesting.

In life, it’s not always about you.

Pay attention to people. Listen. Read. Comment. Ask genuine questions and participate. Go out of your comfort zone and have an open mind. Wake up early. Show up. Make an effort. Dare to understand. Be present. Aim to be interesting. Congratulate people. Celebrate others. Check on them. Be curious. Follow up. Find a common ground. Be committed. Care. Show concern. Talk. Network and be sociable.

Successful business people know their audiences and they understand the importance of winning loyalties. Put more energy into understanding people and building relationships before polluting them.

No one likes the guy that pollutes.

This applies to everything in life, in you relationships, academic institutes, family, social life and daily life – be interested.

You cannot influence people you haven’t taken the time to know. It’s almost impossible.

If you pay attention, everyone is interesting. It is a common and shallow mistake to think you’re the most interesting person in the room when you haven’t heard the stories of others. You want others to always be stroking your ego and showing up for you but you make zero effort towards them.

C’mon now…That’s boring.

You cannot be giving people 30% and expect 110% in return. Who are you again?!

You don’t make the effort to congratulate others but you like to be celebrated. You do not accept others but you want to be accepted. You’re not respectful and considerate of others but you want to be respected. You don’t support others but like to be supported. You don’t talk to people but you want them to ask you questions.

Hmmm how’s that working for you?!

Look here…no one is scared of you.

Whatever you put out…you get in folds.

Be genuinely interested in others, make meaningful contribution and give quality time to others - watch how you’ll become an interesting personality- a person worth knowing.

Life is not always about you…step out of your comfort zone and burst out of your bubble. You’ll be surprised at what you will find.

Get out of your own way – don’t be the reason you struggle in this life.

Be voraciously interested in life and people…you’ll in no time be the person everyone wants to know.

It’s a skill, acquire it.

We never stop learning...right?

Till then

Xoxo

The Almost Lover

Be mindful of the almost lover!

Add caption

He will put a smile on your face because he knows all your favourite things. He will come into your life, read the rules so he can break them and you won’t even know it.

He will give you uncontrollable laughter and moments that will have you smiling in public like a Cheshire cat and in your silent moments like a village idiot.

But he’s just an almost lover.

He is a dream, the dream. But do not forget nightmares are dreams too.

He will say the right things but listen carefully because he will make no promises. His language will be casual just like what he is offering. He will be fluent in almosts.

He will be around but never around, pay attention. He will do the right things but just enough for him to keep you around. He likes having you around but never in. He thrives in almosts and his whole vibe is poison. That type our grandmothers warned us against and our mothers prayed against.

He will do just what will have you thinking you have a good one. Sister, you have nothing.

He will get you twisted into giving your all while he gets away with giving back so little. He will be committed but he can never claim you.

He enjoys the benefits of a relationship but doesn’t want to be in one. He will play house and play the part well. He is the busy guy that is full of excuses but when he is around, he is full of cloud nine feels.

He thinks he is God’s gift to humanity and will make you feel like you’re lucky to have him. He will set the boundaries and he will make the rules. He will want you.

But just because he wants you doesn’t mean he values you. At least not enough to call you his.

At least not enough...

He is the innocent looking guy, the devil in a blue suit, he is the disguise and the exact shade of wrong. He knows God and will have you thinking all sorts. He is a bag of illusion and a seller of dreams. He is Mr tall dark and handsome.

He will be everything you’ve ever wished for. He is capable of loving but he will not love you...he is just an almost lover.

He will show you that he cares but never enough to show that he loves you. He is crafty and clever, he will say so little with so much and your mind will play tricks on you.

And when you think you’re about to hit the next level, he subtly reminds you of the boundaries of what you are and what you’re not without saying a word.

The almost lover is not deceitful and tell no lies, he plays with your emotions and toys with your mind. He gives feels and leaves you in a shitload of assumptions. He is the type to tell you the grass is pink and you won’t even question it.

See… he tells you and you believe because common sense is gone. The ability to question what he offers and what he says is missing. Because he sold you a dream and you were a willing buyer.

We all know the grass is not pink and will never be pink…but you believed. He is not the problem. You are the problem.

He is just an almost lover.

Again, he makes the rules and lays the boundaries. He will act the part but never be the actual. He is Mr almost, the actor who specialises in confusion. If you let him, he’ll leave you confused and discombobulated.

Don’t fall for it. Run!

And if you have to ask him what are we...you’re actually nothing. Don’t wait around for him to decide if he wants you in his life or not. Don’t hang on to every crumb he’s feeding at the dinner table...get up from the table when you have that gut feeling that love is no longer in the menu.

Don’t allow fear to hold you back.

You might want to be angry and annoyed and disgusted with Mr almost lover but you shouldn’t be. He is not the problem.

You Allowed Him...You weren't naive,
He was just good at what he does.

I am going to be really harsh and say be angry and annoyed with yourself. You allowed him. You let him into your life. He overstayed. Took what he shouldn’t be taking and claimed things he wasn’t entitled to. You let him stay for so long. You let him break pieces in your house. You allowed him in and bought all the dreams that he sold so well.

See, he is a seller and will sell to any willing buyer. Unfortunately, you were one.

You weren’t naïve. He was just good at what he does which is being Mr Almost Lover.

He is the almost lover but you allowed him to be Mr almost lover in YOUR life. Everything he got away with, you let him.

You let him…hoping Mr almost lover would change to the one.

Ask questions…like heck ask them! Use your outdoor voice and demand what you want. If you’re unhappy about something, speak up. Don’t shrink yourself in the name of love. It is always better to know the truth than to swim in a lake of assumptions and dwell in a fool’s paradise pretending to be happy.

He likes you, he likes you a lot and might even be missing you but not enough to call you his woman. He will never choose you and you will never be a priority in his life. When he talks about the things he loves, he will never mention you and when he speaks of his future your name doesn’t come up.

It’s not there, was never there. You can’t make someone meet you at the bridge. You can give him the best directions, you can even hold his hands there but you can’t make him stay.

He is full of feels and tastes of what you can get but will never get with him. He is so honest it hurts and that was the problem. If he is honest enough to let you know what it is, why can’t you be good to yourself and honest with him and let him know how you feel instead of building a castle in a fool’s paradise?

Don’t lose yourself in the process of finding someone. You are magnificent and you are enough. You are someone’s answered prayers but the wrong focus can divert you from the right people and the right things.

If he doesn’t choose you, I want you to choose yourself and walk away. It is only the end of the world when you refuse to choose You.

You are worthy, worthy of a love that will stay. You deserve way more than Mr Almost Lover.

Life is short so fill it with people that want to stay with you. People that adores you and things that make you happy. Be courageous and start again if you must but at your own pace.

He is Mr Almost lover and that is his deficiency. His inability to love you wholly should never taint your crown. Or have you question yourself.

You have a lot of love to give but don’t waste it on the wrong person. You deserve a love that will claim you, want you and choose you.

You deserve a love that you don’t have to question. You deserve a love that will say yes to you each day without hesitation. A love that screams yes and not spills maybes. A love that will know what they have when they have you. That God kind.

It’s out there, do not settle for crumbs!

Till then

xoxo